I have been listening to some Goon Shows again recently and it strikes me that they are quite possibly the funniest thing ever invented.

I am now going to commence posting some of my favourite bits.

Seagoon: "Wait! I have a question. Are you a piano short?"

Grytpype-Thynne: "Only one."

Seagoon: "And... where is that?"

Grytpype-Thynne: "I really couldn't say. I threw it out of the window one night and the next morning it was gone!"

(While discussing who should go and capture the infamous Yehti)

Sellers: "Now we must have an experienced climber."

Milligan: "May I suggest Hilary?"

Sellers: "That's a good idea... suggest him."

Milligan: "How about Hilary?"

Sellers: "No."

Please, sir, I want some more.

My dad has the entire goon collection on CD, I shall look into acquiring it and getting Sire Tartiflette to copy.

Seagoon: "Now on the serious side, Elsie Sprugg and Gladys Legg of Rowton House Champagne Bar, have asked for a record of Sir Gwilym Cludge, conducting the Four in Jeopardy, with knee-bracket accompaniment and silent dogs, with the Massed Bands of the Hybrid Spahi's Banjo Society and the 4th Coolies Harmonica Chorus, recorded in the natural surroundings of the living room of Jim Davidson's Saxophone Parlour and Part-Time Egg Hatchery, with a solo by Rawicz and Landauer.
Well, Elsie and Gladys... we haven't got it.
But! Here is a record of Fred Clute and his Nubian Monsters playing cribbage!"

(from the Great Tuscan Salami Scandal)

Henry: Min, hold this chicken. Be careful she's...

Minnie: I don't know why you have to carry a chicken around Henry.

Henry: Well it's the fog Min, I always carry one when there's a fog.

Minnie: What for?

Henry: Because chickens can't see where they're going in the fog. Unless it's a fog chicken and there's no such thing as a fog chicken.

Minnie: What are you talking about? There was no fog today!

Henry: Well this isn't a fog chicken!

Milligan: Now then, a word from... Peter Sellers!
Sellers: Drawers!
Milligan: Next week, another word!
Sellers: And now, for no reason at all: Where did you get the money to escape from Australia?
Spriggs: For no reason at all – my stand-in will answer that. Forward stand-in!
Secombe: My name is Spike "Stand-In" Milligan, but the knees are silent as in trousers.
Sellers: Not... Not trembler?
Secombe: Touche.
Sellers: Mr. Greenslade, answer that for me as me!
Greenslade: My name is Peter Sellers.
Secombe: And who's playing you?
Sellers: Me!
Secombe: Then who's Peter Sellers?
Spriggs: I am! But the "I" is silent as in looking.
Secombe: Will you care to elaborate?
Spriggs: Yes.
Secombe: Well you'll have to wait.

Moriarty: Think of what we could do with all the money!
Grytpype: Yes, for a start I could have you painlessly destroyed.
Moriarty: Ah! Ow!
Grytpype: And again.
Moriarty: Ow!
Grytpype: That's your pair of ows complete for the day.

Greenslade: This is the BBC. After the news there'll be a talk on Early Christian Plastic Knees and the first broadcast of a piece of knotted string. If you would like a piece of knotted string, send three rust-proof shillings to "Honest" Wal Greenslade of Weybridge. Ta.

Seagoon: Hello folks of world! Hello folks of world! And in that order!

Greenslade: Ta. That voice comes from inside a short fat round blob, namely Neddie of Wales.

Seagoon: Thank you, Jim Krint. My first impression will be of Peter Sellers.

Sellers: Hello folks.

[Sudden burst of cheering]

Seagoon: Stop! My next impression will be of Spike Milligan saying "Thynne".

Milligan: Thynne!

Orchestra and Omnes: Thynne!

Milligan: Thyyyynne!

Orchestra and Omnes: Thyyyynne!

Milligan: ThyyyyYYYYyyyynne!

Orchestra and Omnes: ThyyyyYYYYyyyynne!

Seagoon: That's Thynne enough! Thank you, thank you. Remember, folks, saying "Thynne" cures you of monkeys on the knees.

Sellers: Yes, if you've got monkeys on the knees, just say:

Milligan: Thynne!

Sellers: And they are only three and six a box.

Milligan: Yes, I swear by Thynne. One morning I woke up and there they were monkeys on my knees!

[Sound of chattering monkeys]

Milligan: Then I said the cure word, Thynne!

[Sound of monkeys running away at high speed]

Milligan: And away they went!

Greenslade: Ta. The monkeys were played by professional apes.

Seagoon: That was Wallace Greenslade saying words.

A welcome return to this much under-used thread I feel (er... Jonnyboy?)

Anyway, todays lovely little nugget comes from the fantastic 'The Last Tram (from Clapham)'

Grytpype - Thynne: "In the tunnel it was pitch black and dark as well. To make it worse, there were no lights on."

The Treasure of Loch Lomond:

Moriarty: Three days we've stood waist-deep in this ice-bound Loch Lomond. What's the idea, eh?
Grytpype-Thynne: Don't you like fishing, Moriarty?
Moriarty: Fishing?! Oh-type-oh! We haven't any rods! How do you catch fish like this?
Grytpype-Thynne: Well, they've got to die some time. We just wait until then.


The Mummified Priest:

Seagoon: Could... could I do the job?
Sellers: Do it? It's right up your street.
Seagoon: Well, that'll save bus fares.


Spon:

Announcer: It was three in the morning and two in the afternoon, making a grand total of five in the evening.

Minnie: Come on boy, beg for your supper. Up, up, sit up, sit up. Put this sausage on your nose. There, there's a clever boy.
Henry: Minnie.
Minnie: What?
Henry: I'm fed up having my breakfast like this.

German Milligan: This is my plan of attack.
German Seagoon: Looks like a nail.
German Milligan: No, it's a tack.

from 'The Flea'

Spriggs: Great Jupiter, mate. Is that thing a flea?

William: No, it's an 'orse, mate.

Spriggs: A horse?

William: Yes.

Spriggs: Take his hat off.

William: There.

Spriggs: You're right, it is a horse.

Should also add to this thread on a side note re: iTunes

I had previously slated the iTunes versions of The Goon Shows (at least to Jonnyboy) for being of terrible sound quality.

However, having downloaded a couple more the sound quality is reasonable but you also come to appreciate how much they chopped out of the tape/CD versions. For someone as sad as me who has listened to all of them a ridiculous amount of times, you can easily recognise some of the cut stuff in its full glory.

Any of you who havent listened to any Goon Shows so far, first of all shame on you but second of all, what are you waiting for??!!

The Goon Shows (and in particular Spike Milligan who wrote all the scripts) are the building blocks of everything we find funny today. The fact that they were broadcast on radio and not TV meant that there was no limit to the possibilities and therefore no limit to Spike's imagination and the resulting comedy. I think Pedro would actually find the Goon Shows very funny (Mighty Boosh anyone? Blatant ripoff of all Goon Shows, only with the Mighty Boosh being way LESS surreal)

Rant over

I agree.

"Thank you, Dennis Main. Tonight I have included in my repertoire, Schubert's violin sonata, guest soloist Billy 'uke' Scott. And now request spot; my first request comes from Jack Blonger, a two-headed Mongolian criminal tram driver, who is under treatment for the dreaded emulsion of the legs and the green lurgi. Cheer up Jack, I'm alright."

from 'The Greatest Mountain in the World' - Goon Show Vol 8

From The Great British Revolution:

Prime Minister: Is Stalin behind this revolution?
Home Secretary: No.
Prime Minister: Is Lenin?
Home Secretary: No, Len's out. Do you want to speak to his Dad?

This thread has convinced me that I need to listen to The Goon Show.

Sam, Jon,

How should I proceed?

Pete, I have about 8CDs worth I have ripped.

I can give you access if you like.

Cheers Chris. I would like access.

8 CDs?

I will try not to overdose.

Pedro surely with your technological wizardry you are able to purloin some from the interweb?

Goon show is actually harder to find than you might think...

Rosie's Dad has all the CD's though, which is quite a good source.

Anyway Pete: http://modbychris.net/goons

Badgerfest.com supplies the highest quality content on the web.

Thanks. I will commence the download very soon.

Seagoon:
German officer outside sir.

Bloodnok:
I surrender.

Seagoon:
He's a prisoner sir.

Bloodnok:
Oh! Bring the coward and his money in.