And now Ladies and Jellyspoons, the long awaited:

BADGERFEST SE7EN: THE AIRY FAIR

The following takes place in an alternate 2006, one where the Second
World War is still being fought, where Stockport is the capital of
France, and in which our intrepid investigators, Jonnyploy 'for the
love of God' Nendick, and Sammyboy 'shut your big fat pudding muncher'
Rossiter are on the lookout for their arch enemy, Achey Breaky Heart
by Billy Ray Cyrus.

"The early years were the hardest for Jammyploy, the sheer outpouring
of comedy at times proved too much for them. On several occasions, due
to the level of hysteria, Rossiter had to be dragged out of the
Haileybury Dining Hall by Nendick and their close friends Simonds and
Anandappa (who would later go on to form their own double act, the
much maligned Chesney and Dave).
At the point of Badgerfest Part VI, the duo had reached their zenith.
The amount of drugs being taken had elevated them to new levels of
insanity, and their continual exposure in the tabloids had brought
them fame beyond the levels of the great Morecambe and Wise. In late
2005, Jammyploy began work on Badgerfest VII: for many the best
Badgerfest, their Goldfinger if you will, their Empire Strikes Back,
their Dude Where's My Car. It was only after the publication of
Badgerfest VII that the world realised the true potential of these
purveyors of pringle-prang."

Extract from 'Jammyploy: The First Ten Years' by MILLON DE FLOSS.

That was Peter Cushing reporting from Baghdad. And now more of the
main news tonight. Protestors in Norwich were today taken by surprise
by a nubile young strumpet flashing her knockers. The police were
baffled by reports which suggested that the man who organised the
protest, Sir Peter van den Hoogentrousers, had in fact taken to eating
Taramasalata while the woman wasn't looking. A spokesman for Hogwarts
School of Witchcraft and Buggery said: "I'm just a poor boy, I need no
sympathy. Because it's easy come, easy go, little high, little low."
The investigation continues.

Soon after commencing work on Badgerfest the 7th, Jammyploy hit problems. Most of these revolved around one half of Jammploy being fecjing useless, and so it was September 2005 before they escaped the creative desert and recommenced work on what was to become the 3rd funniest outpouring of wit in the history of the universe. 1st and 2nd places went to a little known Tibetan goat herder who said 'yes' (1st place) and 'knickers' (2nd place). Taken in context, these were bloody funny comments and experts agree that they will never be surpassed by any comedian.

Right, enough bigging-up, let's make some magic!

The Badgerfest guide to Britain, Part 1:

1. North Wales.

Population:
Welsh - 3
Chav - 2 million
Sheep - 4.2 million
Scousers - 400,000
Computers - 1 (Pentium 2, 66Mhz)

Hatred of all things English - 100%

North Wales is a strange, backward place with no discernable merit. Sure, it looks kind of pretty, but who really gives a toss about that?

2. Nice.

Nice, but not in Britain.

Favourite Ice-Cream: Tomato and Basil Flavour

3.Timbuktu

Like Nice in that it isn't in Britain. If it were in Britain I'm sure it would be nice (or Nice).

Overall marks for Britain this year: 4/10, see me please.

People are always asking us what it is like to be the coolest, most attractive, most intelligent guys around and yet still have the love life of your average piece of medium density fibreboard (equal to 0.67 of a Drew James or 1.5 of a James Drew). Our answer is always the same: 'fuck off'.

If it ain't broke, break it then fix it. Then break it again and flush it up your mum. More DIY tips later in the show.

Jammploy FAQ's: Click Here >

Q. I have loaded up Jammyploy v 7.0 but the parsnips do not seem to be installed correctly.
A. Restart your computer and then pop down the shops for a slice of kevlar coated haggis.

Q. My screen goes blank every time I try to type the word 'crinkly'
A. Stop typing the word 'crinkly'

Q. After smashing my computer screen several times with an axe, smearing it with jam and then setting fire to it, it appears to have stopped working.
A. Twenty to five

Q. What is the capital of Sweden?
A. Yes

Q. I have tried all of the above but I am still a fecjing idiot.
A. Ah, yes this is a common crumpet. What to do in this situation is lie quite still until the tiger has disappeared from view, and then suddenly spring upon it like a rabid cheese murderer. The effect will be quite pleasing and it is advisable to charge next door $12 for the privilege.

Lyrics for Katie Melua's lovely song 'Nine million elephants up my vest':

There are twelve thousand bicycles on my head,
Thats a fact
Its a thing you cant deny.

There are thirty seven people in the world
Thats a guess
It might be more I'll have to get back to you on that one when I've counted the rest.

Due to the intense aroma of baked catfish, my boudoir will be open to the public as of 12pm next century on a Thursday.

No Mr Bond, I expect you to compete in the 1924 Olympics.

Bloke: Do you have a match?
Bird: Yes, Count Philip von der Ladysmith Black Mambazo and your face
Bloke: Don't get it
Nicholas Witchell: A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way.
Bloke: Oh now I get it

Highlights of 2005:

Songs:

Fecj You - Oldplay
Spon De Replay - Rispanner
Goldfinger - Kanje Bassey
One Way Ticket To Popularity And Back - The Daftness

Films:

Peter Jackson's Donkey Kong - giant gorilla runs amok in New York jumping from platform to platform in search of bananas.

Harry Potter and the Giblets of Fire - Harry has problems preparing the Christmas turkey.

Television:

X-factor - there follows an extract from week 457:

Shayne Ward (singing (kind of)): That's My Goal!
Louis Walsh: What a great little Oirish laddie you are Shayne.
Simon Cowell: He's from Manchester you tit.
Louis: Simon, ye wee bollocks, Shayne's as Oirish as my pet leprechaun and Oi hope that all those lovely Oirish people back in Eire vote for him cos he's Oirish and so am Oi.
Simon: Twat.
Sharon Osbourne: Shayne you're so gorgeous, I'm going to shag you right here on the stage.
Simon: Alright grandma, none of that.
Sharon: Shut it Simon.
Louis: Where's me lucky charms?
Simon: You're all pathetic.
Louis: Oi'm Oirish and so is everyone with any talent.
Simon and Sharon: Fuck off Louis you cock.
Leprechaun: I'm the Leprechaun!
Shayne: I'm the Leprechaun!
Louis: Come to Daddy!
Sharon (pouring water on Louis): Haha!
Louis: Roight, that's it - Oi quit.
Catherine Tate: Do I look bovvered?
Vicki Pollard: Yeah but no but....
Bruce Forsyth: Didn't they do well?

That's no moon...it's a feck station.

Wanted – small frail green creature of dubious gender for household chores, tiddly winks and occasional nuclear testing on remote islands. Must have 2-3 years experience in a similar sausage roll and be able to communicate intelligently with lampposts. Ability to speak Swahili an advantage. Expect £1 per annum plus bens. OTE, RSVP and JR Hartley.

Found – large hairy beast. Responds to name of Goliath the Terrible. Found wandering Clapham Common in the wee small hours of December next Sunday. Anyone who recognises this description please run a mile before defragging the nearest von Blurk machine.

Needed – spaghetti hoops. Must answer to name of spaghetti hoops. Any spaghetti hoops not answering to the name of spaghetti hoops will be taken out and shot by a firing squid. Here endeth the first lesson.

Fascinating fact of the day – Tart's real name is Meredith O'Rourke.

Watch us wreck your bike, watch us wreck your bike, watch us wreck your bike… dyke.

Tune in next week for more hilarious goings-on in 'Only Fools and Casualty'. A side-splitting mixture of Only Fools and Horses and Casualty. On next week's show, Granddad is rushed to Casualty with an axe in his head and Marlene operates on Boycie's prize winning turnip. Rodney and Cassandra have a skiing accident with horrific consequences and Del Boy decides to half-inch a load of hospital equipment to sell to junkies down the market. Bonnet de douche.

Todd: 'Thanks Jim, now over to Fred in New York. Geoff?'
Kirk: 'Thanks Bill and welcome to Singapore where I am here at the UK premiere of Three Men and a Hairy Beast. Here comes Dan Ackroyd! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!'
Todd: 'Er… we seem to have lost John there for a minute, lets go over to Mary at the Channel 6 newsroom. Julie?'
Liz: 'Thanks Clive, now over to Kevin.'

Flan, flan, why do you taste like spam?

Because Stan the man with the frying pan in the van told Jan with a tan and Fran McGranahan to make spam flavoured flan with ham and jam in a can then make a plan with Dan and Anne and the rest of the clan who had been banned from eating bran with gran.

Krang.

As I was walking down the street one day I was pulled limb from limb by a passing duck.
'Thankyou, Mr Duck' I said as he left in a cloud of asbestos dust.
After lunch, the world famous hairy philosopher, Govind Blah, approached me.
'Evening boss' I said.
'Fuck you, chum' he replied.
'Oh, what it is to have friends' I thought to myself as Ross Kemp stood beside me stabbing himself in the forehead with a stoat that had been stewed in Buxton Mineral Water for 14 days.
It had been a satisfactory day, and would only get better. That evening, a local goat-monkey nailed my genitals to a Catherine Wheel, shouted 'spank, spank, hoogety trogg! I'm a goat, and you're a filthy slut with too many eyelashes!', before dousing himself in apple juice and purchasing Morocco at the knock-down price of £14.98 (plus £4, 367.43 p&p) from Price-Drop TV.

And in other news, it has emerged that some people got drunk last night in London. Police say they are investigating the matter. There was cross-party support in the Commons for a public enquiry into the incident. The only voice of dissent came for Boris 'footballing legend' Johnson, who said 'blimey, I mean, cripes, what a jolly jape eh. These smashing fellows have done nothing wrong except imbibe a few beverages and indulge in some harmless banter about each other's mothers and the whole country wants to string them up by the nads and flay them until dead. Naughty, naughty people. All of you.'

Having been called up to the England World Cup squad by Sven Sony-Ericsson, Boris vowed to nut every member of the German team in the bollocks. Tony Blair has decided to get rid of Christmas and rename it 'Boris Day'. When asked whether people might get confused between 'Boris Day' and 'Doris Day', Blair broke out into an over-loud rendition of 'Que Sera Sera'.

Go go Gadget waffle extractor!

And so we approach the end of Badgerfest the Seventh. It only remains for your host, Jammyploy, to leave you with a few more pearls of wisdom.

1. Never cross the road while driving a truck.
2. Never drive a truck while crossing the road.
3. Never drive a duck while pressing flowers.
4. Never knead dough while crossing a 't'.
5. Never cross a giraffe.

If you have any further questions about Badgerfest VII, please contact our 24 hour Jammyploy helpline staffed by Malcolm ‘The’ Cox. Freephone 0111 111 1111.

You’ve been a wonderful audience.

Til next time, we were, in no particular order

Jonathan ‘Christ on a Bike’ Nendick

And

Samuel ‘Who is my Cheese?’ Rossiter

Ow!

Extra points for readers who can identify the Hitchcock film referenced in the latest edition of the 'Fest'.

badaboom - they're back!

Since no one has bothered to answer, I'll tell you:

It was 'The Man Who Knew Too Much'.

Expect at least one film reference in each Badgerfest from now on - and I'll be testing you.

i reckon you should hide lots of things in badgerfests. a bit like an easter egg hunt for your devoted readership.