Well it had to be done really.
Whilst sadly looking for something funnier to put as my signature, I came across a chap called Steven Wright (he hasn't had the decency, I might add, to return the favour) who has a website. His one-liners are brilliant.
Check it!
I have also just discovered that he's the guy on the couch in Half Baked......SOOOO much more respect!
Steven Wright on Wikipedia
Full Version: Hilarity
Oh him; he can be funny, wasn't so great in The Aristocrats; the joke doesn't suit his style. (Watch it anyway, it's great)
I did like this book he hasn't written:
Phyllis and Her Eyelids: The story of a man living in a semi-parallel universe who is arrested for inventing hockey.
I did like this book he hasn't written:
Phyllis and Her Eyelids: The story of a man living in a semi-parallel universe who is arrested for inventing hockey.
Read some of the jokes he's cracked on the interact page. Pure genius. His books are cool too. I particularly enjoyed
Daddy's Under My Bed: The story of a 90 year old still-born butler who's in love with his own shadow.
Daddy's Under My Bed: The story of a 90 year old still-born butler who's in love with his own shadow.
The Frog & Peach Sketch
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening.
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening. We're talking this evening to Sir Arthur Greeb-Streebling.
Peter Cook: Streeb-Greebling.
Dudley Moore: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I thought it was Greeb-Streebling.
Peter Cook: No, Streeb-Greebling. You're thinking of Greeb-Streebling. The "T" is silent, as in "fox". Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening.
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening.
Peter Cook: Good Greebling.
Dudley Moore: We'd like to ask Sir Arthur actually about his rather unique restaurant, the Frog and Peach.
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening. If you would tell us something about it, Sir. Arthur.
Peter Cook: Yes, well, ah, the idea for the Frog and Peach came to me in the bath. A great number of things come to me in the bath, mainly sort of mosquitoes and adders, but in this case a rather stupendous idea. I suddenly thought, as I was scrubbing my back with a loofah, I thought, "Where can a young couple, who are having an evening out, not too much money, and they want to have a decent meal, you know, a decent frog and a nice bit of peach, where can they go and get it?" And answer came there none. And so I had this idea of starting a restaurant specializing in these frogs legs and, er, peaches, and on this premise I built this restaurant.
Dudley Moore: These premises, in fact.
Peter Cook: In these precise premises. Good evening.
Dudley Moore: How long ago did you start this venture? Was it recently?
Peter Cook: It was certainly within living memory. Shortly after the First World War.
Dudley Moore: Ghastly business, wasn't it?
Peter Cook: Oh, absolutely ghastly business. And, er, I started it shortly after that and ever since then, it's sort of been here, y'know.
Dudley Moore: And how has business been?
Peter Cook: Well, ah, business hasn't been, in the strict sense of the world. Rather, let me answer that question in two parts. There hasn't been any business and nobody's been. It's been a quiet time for the last 15-18 years, really, in the business.
Dudley Moore: But don't you feel in a way you're at some disadvantage being stuck out in the middle of Dartmoor here?
Peter Cook: I think the word "disadvantage" is awfully well chosen there, yes. This is what we're at. We're at a disadvantage. You see, when I had the idea, I weighed up the pros and cons and I came to the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, or possibly both -
Dudley Moore: Or neither.
Peter Cook: Or neither, or nye-the, as they say in some part of the country.
Dudley Moore: Or cointreau.
Peter Cook: Indeed. I thought that the pros outweighed the cons by two and a half ounces, and I thought the people in Britain were crying out for a restaurant where there wasn't any parking problem. In fact, I heard somebody in the street crying out for a restaurant without a parking problem. Norwegian sailor, I believe, on leave. He was saying, "Oh, for a restaurant without a parking problem!" And this sort of inspired me to start this one. There's no parking problem here, situated as we are in the middle of a bog in the heart of Dartmoor. No difficulty parking. Some difficultly extricating your car, but otherwise well-situated. Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening. Don't you feel, again, you're at a disadvantage because of your menu? I mean -
Peter Cook: The menu! Oh dear! Yes, that is - Oh! This has been a terrible hindrance to us building up a business. The menu is the most - have you seen it?
Dudley Moore: Yes, I have.
Peter Cook: It's the most appalling thing. There's so little to choose from. You start with - what's that?
Dudley Moore: Spawn cocktail.
Peter Cook: Spawn cocktail. One of the most revolting dishes known to man. Then there's only two other dishes really. There's frog a la peche, which is a frog done in Cointreau and with a peach stuffed in its mouth And, ah, then, of course, there's peche a la frog, which is really not much to write home about. A waiter comes to your table. He's got this huge peach on it, which is covered in boiling liqueur, you see, and he slices it open to reveal about two thousand little black tadpoles squiggling about. It's one of the most disgusting sights I've ever seen. God, it turns me over to think of it. Squiggle, squiggle, they go.
Dudley Moore: Rather nauseating. Who does the cooking?
Peter Cook: My wife does the cooking and, luckily, she does the eating as well. An amazing creature. Of course, she's not a well woman.
Dudley Moore: No.
Peter Cook: Not a well woman at all, so she very much resents having to go down the well every morning to sprinkle "Swoop" on the toads. An amazing creature, my wife, an amazing creature.
Dudley Moore: Yes.
Peter Cook: I met her during the war actually.
Dudley Moore: You did?
Peter Cook: Yes, she blew in through the drawing room window with a bit of shrapnel, became embedded in the sofa and, you know, one thing led to her mother and we were married in the hour.
Dudley Moore: Um, yes, I suppose actually -
Peter Cook: Would you like some pond water?
Dudley Moore: No, I won't actually.
Peter Cook: It's two shillings.
Dudley Moore: No, no.
Peter Cook: It's revolting stuff. I wouldn't touch it.
Dudley Moore: No....er, um
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening.
Peter Cook: What are you about to ask me about?
Dudley Moore: I'm about to ask you, um, I suppose this sort of menu could, in fact, appeal to the French.
Peter Cook: It could appeal to the French and I've tried appealing to the French over Radio Streeb-Greebling which, as you know, is situated in the moat, not a stone's throw from here, but, ah, the response has been - oh - it's not been excessive.
Dudley Moore: No.
Peter Cook: It's been nil.
Dudley Moore: Well, it all sounds rather disastrous to me.
Peter Cook: Catastrophic, I think, would be a better word, really, for it.
Dudley Moore: Do you have any other plans for other business ventures?
Peter Cook: Nnnnn-- yes and no. I thought of starting a sort of sophisticated restaurant with kind of, ah, sophisticated music somewhere up in Peebleshire. Somewhere where a young couple who're out for the evening, y'see, who've got about 85 guineas to spend to get a really decent meal.
Dudley Moore: Hmm. What are you going to call it?
Peter Cook: The Vole and Pea.
Dudley Moore: What sort of food?
Peter Cook: Well, ah, I was thinking largely: simple English roast vole, you know and, ah, a decent British pea. Put the two together and I think you're on pretty good ground.
Dudley Moore: Yes, indeed. Do you feel you've learnt by your mistakes here?
Peter Cook: I think I have, yes, and I think I can probably repeat them almost perfectly. I know my mistakes inside out.
Dudley Moore: I'm sure you will repeat them. Well, thank you very much, Sir Arthur.
Peter Cook: Thank you very much.
Dudley Moore: And good night.
Peter Cook: Would you like one for the toad?
Dudley Moore: No, thank you.
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening.
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening. We're talking this evening to Sir Arthur Greeb-Streebling.
Peter Cook: Streeb-Greebling.
Dudley Moore: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I thought it was Greeb-Streebling.
Peter Cook: No, Streeb-Greebling. You're thinking of Greeb-Streebling. The "T" is silent, as in "fox". Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening.
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening.
Peter Cook: Good Greebling.
Dudley Moore: We'd like to ask Sir Arthur actually about his rather unique restaurant, the Frog and Peach.
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening. If you would tell us something about it, Sir. Arthur.
Peter Cook: Yes, well, ah, the idea for the Frog and Peach came to me in the bath. A great number of things come to me in the bath, mainly sort of mosquitoes and adders, but in this case a rather stupendous idea. I suddenly thought, as I was scrubbing my back with a loofah, I thought, "Where can a young couple, who are having an evening out, not too much money, and they want to have a decent meal, you know, a decent frog and a nice bit of peach, where can they go and get it?" And answer came there none. And so I had this idea of starting a restaurant specializing in these frogs legs and, er, peaches, and on this premise I built this restaurant.
Dudley Moore: These premises, in fact.
Peter Cook: In these precise premises. Good evening.
Dudley Moore: How long ago did you start this venture? Was it recently?
Peter Cook: It was certainly within living memory. Shortly after the First World War.
Dudley Moore: Ghastly business, wasn't it?
Peter Cook: Oh, absolutely ghastly business. And, er, I started it shortly after that and ever since then, it's sort of been here, y'know.
Dudley Moore: And how has business been?
Peter Cook: Well, ah, business hasn't been, in the strict sense of the world. Rather, let me answer that question in two parts. There hasn't been any business and nobody's been. It's been a quiet time for the last 15-18 years, really, in the business.
Dudley Moore: But don't you feel in a way you're at some disadvantage being stuck out in the middle of Dartmoor here?
Peter Cook: I think the word "disadvantage" is awfully well chosen there, yes. This is what we're at. We're at a disadvantage. You see, when I had the idea, I weighed up the pros and cons and I came to the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, or possibly both -
Dudley Moore: Or neither.
Peter Cook: Or neither, or nye-the, as they say in some part of the country.
Dudley Moore: Or cointreau.
Peter Cook: Indeed. I thought that the pros outweighed the cons by two and a half ounces, and I thought the people in Britain were crying out for a restaurant where there wasn't any parking problem. In fact, I heard somebody in the street crying out for a restaurant without a parking problem. Norwegian sailor, I believe, on leave. He was saying, "Oh, for a restaurant without a parking problem!" And this sort of inspired me to start this one. There's no parking problem here, situated as we are in the middle of a bog in the heart of Dartmoor. No difficulty parking. Some difficultly extricating your car, but otherwise well-situated. Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening. Don't you feel, again, you're at a disadvantage because of your menu? I mean -
Peter Cook: The menu! Oh dear! Yes, that is - Oh! This has been a terrible hindrance to us building up a business. The menu is the most - have you seen it?
Dudley Moore: Yes, I have.
Peter Cook: It's the most appalling thing. There's so little to choose from. You start with - what's that?
Dudley Moore: Spawn cocktail.
Peter Cook: Spawn cocktail. One of the most revolting dishes known to man. Then there's only two other dishes really. There's frog a la peche, which is a frog done in Cointreau and with a peach stuffed in its mouth And, ah, then, of course, there's peche a la frog, which is really not much to write home about. A waiter comes to your table. He's got this huge peach on it, which is covered in boiling liqueur, you see, and he slices it open to reveal about two thousand little black tadpoles squiggling about. It's one of the most disgusting sights I've ever seen. God, it turns me over to think of it. Squiggle, squiggle, they go.
Dudley Moore: Rather nauseating. Who does the cooking?
Peter Cook: My wife does the cooking and, luckily, she does the eating as well. An amazing creature. Of course, she's not a well woman.
Dudley Moore: No.
Peter Cook: Not a well woman at all, so she very much resents having to go down the well every morning to sprinkle "Swoop" on the toads. An amazing creature, my wife, an amazing creature.
Dudley Moore: Yes.
Peter Cook: I met her during the war actually.
Dudley Moore: You did?
Peter Cook: Yes, she blew in through the drawing room window with a bit of shrapnel, became embedded in the sofa and, you know, one thing led to her mother and we were married in the hour.
Dudley Moore: Um, yes, I suppose actually -
Peter Cook: Would you like some pond water?
Dudley Moore: No, I won't actually.
Peter Cook: It's two shillings.
Dudley Moore: No, no.
Peter Cook: It's revolting stuff. I wouldn't touch it.
Dudley Moore: No....er, um
Peter Cook: Good evening.
Dudley Moore: Good evening.
Peter Cook: What are you about to ask me about?
Dudley Moore: I'm about to ask you, um, I suppose this sort of menu could, in fact, appeal to the French.
Peter Cook: It could appeal to the French and I've tried appealing to the French over Radio Streeb-Greebling which, as you know, is situated in the moat, not a stone's throw from here, but, ah, the response has been - oh - it's not been excessive.
Dudley Moore: No.
Peter Cook: It's been nil.
Dudley Moore: Well, it all sounds rather disastrous to me.
Peter Cook: Catastrophic, I think, would be a better word, really, for it.
Dudley Moore: Do you have any other plans for other business ventures?
Peter Cook: Nnnnn-- yes and no. I thought of starting a sort of sophisticated restaurant with kind of, ah, sophisticated music somewhere up in Peebleshire. Somewhere where a young couple who're out for the evening, y'see, who've got about 85 guineas to spend to get a really decent meal.
Dudley Moore: Hmm. What are you going to call it?
Peter Cook: The Vole and Pea.
Dudley Moore: What sort of food?
Peter Cook: Well, ah, I was thinking largely: simple English roast vole, you know and, ah, a decent British pea. Put the two together and I think you're on pretty good ground.
Dudley Moore: Yes, indeed. Do you feel you've learnt by your mistakes here?
Peter Cook: I think I have, yes, and I think I can probably repeat them almost perfectly. I know my mistakes inside out.
Dudley Moore: I'm sure you will repeat them. Well, thank you very much, Sir Arthur.
Peter Cook: Thank you very much.
Dudley Moore: And good night.
Peter Cook: Would you like one for the toad?
Dudley Moore: No, thank you.
Good work Sammyboy, they are indeed genius.
Today's Dilbert:
Today's Dilbert:
I thought today's front page of The Sun deserved a mention for being genius. (Sammyboy has independently verified the hilarity of this, so if you don't find it funny there is something wrong with you).
[attachmentid=230]
[attachmentid=230]
Hi guys I stumbled accross this on a design site thought it was genius check out the link Dilbert's Ultimate Cubicle
20 worst ever computer games
Custer's Revenge is particularly mind-boggling.
Custer's Revenge is particularly mind-boggling.
This is worth a chuckle, apparently the whole of the City and Wall Street are loving this (not that I would know, I'm just an Events monkey)
The Aleksey Vayner CV Video
and also
Vayner on Inside Edition
Gimp
The Aleksey Vayner CV Video
and also
Vayner on Inside Edition
Gimp
"In 1722, Ronald Jerkins DID eat his hat when he lost an argument with Felicity O'Toole, the recent writer of an article in The Lady magazine."
"The Earl of Sandwich was one afternoon keen for a snack and peckish as he was, placed a slice of ham in between his buttocks. Whereupon his boyfriend Karl took a bite, and pronounced it to be delicious. Thus the sandwich was born, because the buttocks were replaced by bread later."
"Do you think that's how they invented the sandwich?"
"Yes"
"The Earl of Sandwich was one afternoon keen for a snack and peckish as he was, placed a slice of ham in between his buttocks. Whereupon his boyfriend Karl took a bite, and pronounced it to be delicious. Thus the sandwich was born, because the buttocks were replaced by bread later."
"Do you think that's how they invented the sandwich?"
"Yes"
I'd like to share with you all my new phrase, feel free to use it with your friends and colleagues:
"Same day, different shit"
"Same day, different shit"
As I thought that everyone here would appreciate this I would like to announce that one of my students owns singing boxers. What does that mean? It means that every. single. time. he. sat. down. his. boxers. "sang."
Jingle Bells.
Badly.
If it wasn't the day before our Thanksgiving break (we get a week off), I might have gotten angry. As it was, I had to sit down I was laughing so hard. Poor child had to change into his PE shorts to survive the rest of the day.
Jingle Bells.
Badly.
If it wasn't the day before our Thanksgiving break (we get a week off), I might have gotten angry. As it was, I had to sit down I was laughing so hard. Poor child had to change into his PE shorts to survive the rest of the day.
haha that is brilliant.
you could just have made him stand up...The whole day.
you could just have made him stand up...The whole day.
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