*CAUTION: Due to the increase in large heffers, the word 'jangle-buns' has
been omitted from this e-mail and replaced with the word 'spingly-dan'. I
thankyou.*

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A LAVATORY FAR, FAR AWAY...

DHAR WARS!

CHAPTER VIIXCIILXXX

The story so far...

The rebels under the guidance of Clarinet Solo and Han Job have embarked on
a mission (dark, safe, lean etc) to hunt down and destroy Drew and his evil
mum. With Colin the pilchard as his sidekick, he is armed only with a piece
of chewing mum and some left handed scissors.

The plot thickens (because we added 2 heaped teaspoons of cornflour):

On entering the Death Car, Clarinet and Job meet up with Princess
Brickleia, slap everyone about a bit and run home for some baked beans on
toast.

THE END (or not)

We know things that you don't know. We go places you won't go. Welcome to
the church of Ploys.

Drew's old mum's a dustman, she wears a fireman's hat.
I can't think of a second line, so that's the end of that.

And now a brand new recipe by the Naked Twat, Jamie - Essex Knobhead -
Oliver:
'Pucka, wicked mate. Slap everything you clap eyes on in a bowl, shake it
about a bit, call your Grandma 'Tiger', stay on telly for about three years
saying 'nice one geezer' a lot until everyone thinks you are a complete tit.
And Bob's your uncle. Pucka.'

Burning question: If you stick a pin in them, will they pop?

Contrary to popular opinion, the new Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith is a
prize winning cabbage manufacturer. And part time olympic knobbly knee
champion.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Me.
Me who?
Yes.
Whup, have a banana.
Sorry?
I think you've got the wrong address me old smackeroon.
Good day.
Fecj.
Yes.

I've got a loverly bunch of coco pops.

Typical e-mail from dappy woman-friend...

Subject: Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Re:Fwd:Re:Fwd:Re:I love everybody
Hawooooooow!!! Gurghrghrhhh,
If woo pass this on to ten ickle bunny wabbits then you will get lots of
hugs from people you love. If woo send it to twenty wickle bunny wabbits,
then you are the most nicest, wicklest, goochie cooey wittle dappy feckwit
in the world. If woo send it to firty miwwion bunny wabbits, then you will
find yourself covered in bunnys and flowers and chocolate and wickle bunny
wabbits. If you send it to nobody you will be struck by lightning and then
get the plague and die a horrible death WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE
AAAGAGGAGHAHAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sort it. You fecjing idiotic dappy munter.

Somwhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.

Typical email from complete nutter (malcolm):
To:me
From:me
Subject:sultanas

Mmm, I have been patting miniature squirrels into the land of potato men.
Alarming.
Springley.
Malc.

Typical conversation between two people I made up:

Person 1: Good morning.
Person 2: Good morning, my arse!
Person 1: Excuse me?
Person 2: Good morning, my bloody arse!
Person 1: Err...
Person 2: Don't err me you bloody yobbo, or I'll rip your knackers off and
shove them up your bloody arse.
Person 1: Okaayyyy...bye.
Person 2: Bloody hooligan.

With a hey nonny bo selectaaaaaa.

Guess the theme tune:
Waanang dang wang dangiwangdang wang wang wangadang wangidangidangdang,
waanang wang dang dangiwangdang wang dang wangadang wangidangidangdang,
waanang dang wang waanang dang wang waananga danganwang, wanang wang dang
waang wang dang. Wanang wang waaang.

Typical e-mail from Pedro von Blurk:

To:everyone
from:peter_blake@nasa.com.wanker.org.fecj.usa.planecrash.com
Subject: none - (cos im a boring feckwit)
attachments: 1 (0kb) xxxx error xxxx *Hotmail virus warning* This attachment
is wank. Do not open.

Cheers for that Pedro.

I'd like to teach the world to ming, in perfect harmony, I'd like to put it
up your mum, and keep it compa knee... aaahhhhoohhhh shake along with me.

So an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The Englishman
goes up to the bar, orders a pint of lager and a packet of salt and vinegar
flavoured crisps then goes and sits down. The Irishman walks up and orders a
pint of bitter and a packet of cheese and onion then goes and sits down with
the Englishman. The Scotsman then walks up and orders a shandy and a packet
of pink cheesy poofs. He walks back to the other two who look at him
astonished. "Why did you order that?", they say together. "Because I'm a
raging shirt-lifter", the Scotsman says, and promptly whips out his todger.
Boom boom.

Guess the theme tune:

Wang

Lot 231: A rare Venetian ming vase used in the 12th century for crapping
in...
I start the bidding at two lemon flavoured sweets. Do I hear nine? Yes, nine
from the gentleman, do i hear seven bananas, seven bananas? Good seven
bananas, any advance on that? Good Drews mum, any advance on drews mum...
drews mum, its still with you madam at drews mum, drews mum anybody, going
once, yes sir good three and a half drews mums, three and a half drews mums.
Going once, going twice... sold to the gentleman for three and a half drews
mums cats uncles left knees scampi hatstands rubbish bin.
Lot 232: the body of jesus christ, perfectly conserved in carbonite...can i
start the bidding at half a bit of used chewing gum, its with you jabba at
half a bit of chewing gum...

If it's too hard, I won't understand it.

Because I ate pie by Fatsoman:

I was gonna eat healthy food, but I ate pie.
I was gonna go to the gym too, but I ate pie.
Now my belly's bigger than Crewe, and I know why.
Because I ate pie, because I ate pie, because I ate pie.

Today's useless movie quote is from that classic film The Adventures of
Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension:

Buckaroo Banzai: It flies like truck.
John Parker: Good, what's a truck?

Newsflash:
A man whose name cannot be disclosed for reasons of pronunciation was
spanked yesterday with an oversized hairbrush. The woman who committed this
crime of hairbrush cruelty has been sent to Professor Nutbar's School of
Spankery for lessons in how to spank properly. She will be given suitable
spanking equipment and will have personal tutorials from Herr von
Spankmeister. Police say that they haven't got a fecjing clue what's going
on.

If you fly by the seat of your pants, you die by the seat of your pants.

If you are going to the seaside, don't forget to wear your bear-resistant
expandable jock-strap remover, or you really will die by the heat of your
ants.

Answer to guess the theme tune: Grange Hill of course! You are all crap.
Wing wang wong.

Yes Bob. Whatever you say Bob. Right away Bob. Bob. Bob. Flob. And the moral
of the story is bob-a-job hobnob.

If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, spank my mum.

If you go down to the woods today,
You're in for a big surprise,
If you go down to the woods today,
You'd better go in disguise,
For every bear that ever there was,
Is gathered there for certain because,
Todays the day the teddy bears have their orgy.
Rum Pum Pum.

Anyone fancy a pint? Mine's a large one. Ooh so it is. Flangly dan with a
sping spang bang.

Newsflash:
Police were today investigating a large herring which had wedged itself into
a portaloo just off oxford street. Police are treating the incident as
suspicious. The herring was said by passers by to have said " big furry
pancakes" and then sprinted into the portaloo. The only thing available to
the police is a sawn off shotgun and a picture of Dougal McFlang holding a
ten pound note. Police are treating the incident as perfectly normal. Spang.

There's a magical place, we're on our way there,
with ploys in their millions, all under one roof.
It's called...Ploys 'r' us!

Two really crap Star Wars jokes:

Darth Vader: Luke, Luke... I know what you are getting for christmas Luke.
Luke: How do you know?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi are eating out for dinner. Luke has got
noodles all down his tunic and sauce all over his hands and face. Obi Wan
leans forward and says, wisely: 'Use the fork, Luke'.

Boom, boo...aarrrggghh!

That was the sound of me being viciously hacked to death with a rabid
ferret. A fair punishment, I agree.

A man who once lived in a moat,
Had to leave 'cos his boat wouldn't float,
While looking at trees,
he fell on his knees,
And was brutally fecked by a goat.

And now, it's time for a quick commercial break:

Bingle bangle bungle bong, buy this stuff, it's the fecjing nads.

Fed up with hairy fridge-freezers? Don't know who to turn to when your
badger hangs pot pourri in your airing cupboard? We have the answer! Our new
patented Weird Crap Sorter-outer is what you need!

Stop the signs of ageing with Oil of Olaf the Viking beauty cream.
Clinically proven to contain things that no one has ever heard of, but that
we have cunningly named in order to make them sound scientific. The active
ingredient is hyper super ultra hydro-regenerative hypo-pro-vitamin B23
anti-deoxidising protein extract. Buy it in the next ten seconds or you will
look like Patrick Moore.

Not confident talking to women? Get the feeling women ignore you when you go
to parties? Then invest in our Govind Dhar disguise kit. Includes: Chest
wig, fake beard, mach 3, dildo, whip, girth enlarger, silly laugh voicebox,
megaphone, ali g tape and punani detector. Before you know it, you will be
the spitting image of the big hairy walking carpet and have the girls
flocking for more 'arabian nights'. Tests show that nine out of ten women
prefer govind dhar to the next leading brand of hairy arab.

Newsflash:
Police arrested a panda today for causing havoc on the M25. The panda in
question, Mr. Panda McPanda, was said to have pretended to be a dog
throughout his questioning by the police. "Woof woof", he told the press
later. Mr McPanda had been driving his jet propelled tortoise the wrong way
down a congested M25 late on Friday night, and was flagged down by police
who feared the panda might have also been over the legal alcohol limit and
driving at 200 miles per square monkey. Police found three hundred kilos of
marmalade in the boot of the tortoise. Police were quoted as saying: "I've
never seen a tortoise with such large f***ing boots." The tortoise said:
"Rollocks", and then made a fast getaway on a pigeon.

Spingly-dan.

There was a young man called Big Dave,
Who wanted to show he was brave,
He said: "Look at that",
They said: "You're a twat",
And then hairy springle McTavish came in, called tham all idiots and danced
the fandango on a piece of lettuce.

Badgerfest III was brought to you by Jammyploy, aka Jonathan "Flying
Scrapheap" Nendick and Samuel "Incredible Toaster" Rossiter.

Jammyploy Inc is part of the Kingol network of monkey stranglers.