Yes folks, welcome back to another exciting installment in the epic saga
that is The Festival of the Badgers!
One night, Randy Alf the Wizard left his treehouse and took the nearest
express donkey up to the village of Getiton for some steamy late night
action. He spent the next month having numerous meaningless relationships
with a wide variety of people.
A cast of millions stars in the eagerly awaited new film from Jammyploy's
very own Unibarseal Studios.
Time magazine calls it 'The best film ever involving a wizard called Alf'
The New York Post says 'This is a triumph of nuclear power over rabid
ironmongers'
The Sun says 'This guy has more sex in one month than the entire population
of Britain has in a year. Naked girls everywhere!'
Coming soon to a cinema near you: The Lord of the Flings.
(PG - Some scenes maybe unsuitable for children over the age of 35)
When my hat falls off, I nip down the local, do the hokey-cokey, spank the
nearest inflatable monkey and shout abuse at the random geezer in the
corner.
Cyril: Evenin' Bernard.
Bernard: Mornin' Cyril.
Cyril: How's Ron?
Bernard: Who the fecj is Ron?
Cyril: I dunno.
Bernard: Oh right, THAT Ron. He doesn't know how he is.
Cyril: I don't even know who he is, so I suppose it's unfair for me to
expect him to know how he feels.
Bernard: Well, what with no one knowing who the fecj he is, he's finding it
difficult to come to terms with his own existence.
Cyril: So how do you know all this stuff?
Bernard: I don't.
Cyril: No, of course, you don't know who the fecj we are talking about do
you?
Bernard: Nope.
Cyril: So how is he?
Bernard: Who?
Cyril: Ron.
Bernard: Ron who?
Cyril: The Ron that we don't know.
Bernard: Yeah, he's fine. He's just bought a new house.
Cyril: Nice one.
In other news, a woman was arrested yesterday on suspicion of smuggling
peanuts. Police were alerted to the crime by a man named Kingol, who on
seeing the woman in question shouted 'Blimey! She's smuggling peanuts!'
Police say that the woman was trying to leave the country with the peanuts
hidden under her jumper, but failed to notice that they were blatantly
visible to everyone.
Unfortunately the level of granny-hurling in Lyme Regis has risen by five
percent in the last two months. Police say it is due to the high amount of
jelly babies being bred in captivity.
I say, I say, I say, what's the difference between a bus and a train?
Well, one runs on tracks and stops at various 'train' stations, whereas the
other is a sort of automated carrier pigeon used for scrath and flang.
Jammyploy's Guide to Making Fire:
Step 1: Assemble some small twigs in a pile and place some larger logs on
top.
Step 2: Acquire a box of matches from a Saudi Arabian pig-farmer called
Denzil.
Step 3: Strike one of the twigs on a log and place it carefully under a
rhinoceros called Mildred.
Step 4: Run away.
Step 5: Dial 999, kick your grandad up the arse and tell Denzil to go fecj
himself.
Step 6: Return home for a game of tiddly winks devised by Sir Cuthbert of
Twat.
If you follow all these steps closely, you should succeed in producing the
perfect lemon meringue pie.
Arsenal 3 Chinese Wanderers 500
Who told Mrs. Flang she needed a lobotomy? Come on. Own up.
Bob: Morning
Fred: Evening
Bob: Morning
Fred: Evening
Bob: Shut it you twat
Fred: Monkey nuts
Bob: What?
Fred: Monkey nuts
Bob: Ooh, I should say about three and a half
Fred: What?
Bob: Yes I know
Fred: Twat
Mary J. Blige: Lets get it funk a fony now your bony lets just dance for
free im getting rotivated now your waiting so just dance for spee.
Bob: Who the fecj is she?
Fred: Who?
Bob: That bird
Mary J. Blige: I'm Mary J. Blige. Lets get it funk a fony...
Bob: Shut it you slag.
Fred: Anyone fancy a pint?
Captain Kirk: Beam me up Doris
Doris: Lets get it funk a fony...
Bob: Fecj.
Things I hate:
1. Flang.
7. Pothleg.
Things I like:
467. Grannyphones.
Four. The number twen grundy sod.
-Knock le knock
-Qui est la?
-C'est moi
-Piss off
-Merci
-Piss off
-Le feck
-Guten abend
-Morgen
-Bling Bling
-Who's there?
-Harry Prannock the milkman's cat.
-Come in, have a parrot.
Anger management lesson 1:
The most important thing to remember about anger is that you can never have
too much of it. It is vitally important that you divide your anger equally
between those people who piss you off.
Anger, it's your friend, it's fantastic, it's free when you buy four copies
of Billionaire Weekly RRP