AS ALWAYS, WE ADVISE LISTENERS TO SHOOT THEMSELVES IN THE NAPPER BEFORE
CONTINUING. JAMMYPLOY AND THE KINGOL NETWORK OF DONKEY STRANGLERS RESERVES
THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION TO ANYONE BASED ON THE COLOUR OF THEIR SOCKS
AND THE NUMBER OF MINI BABYBEL THEY HAVE DIGESTED IN THE LAST THREE YEARS.

READ ON...

Welcome to another edition of: Gardener's Question Time!

Only joking, as you will all know by now, this is in fact Jelly and Custard
Monthly, the e-mail magazine for small gerbils called Jeffrey.

We are pleased to announce that Badgerfest 5 will be translated in to nine
different languages, including Welsh.

So, may we present...

BADGERFEST PART FIVE

or DIE FESTEN VON DIE BADGEREN EPISODE FUNF

or LA PLUME DE MON BADGERRE NUMERO CINQ

or MIO PUSSYCATTO IN DELLA PUERTO NUMERO CINQUE

or HERDY GERDY FLERDY BADGERS GERDY FUNFENHAUSEN

Vicar: As you know our church steeple is in need of repair and so today's
collection will go towards the repairs needed. As the baskets go around we
will sing hymn number 499, For Our Steeple.

All (singing in the style of Missy Elliot):

This is for our steeple (ah),
to help repair our steeple (oh).
This is for our steeple (ah),
please help mend our steeple (oh).
C'mon (get down).
C'mon (get get on down).

Further to Sammyboy's revelation that badger and roof are almost the same
word, we would like to take the opportunity to rename a few songs/shows:

Up on the Badger

Fiddler on the Badger

and my personal favourite,

Cat on a Hot Tin Badger.

Whup.

Plus that wonderful show "Joseph and his amazing technicolour Badger". Ok it
isn't a substitute for the word roof but it is funny. So get used to it.

News just in...
The President of Japan, Mr. How Yu Doin, has just announced that he is in
fact a giraffe. Mr. Doin made the announcement while rabidly shagging a
hippo in the key of G minor. The Japanese cabinet is said to be in a state
of shock, not to mention the japanese wardrobe and the japanese fecj
machine. Britain said it would send aid to Japan in light of this dramatic
turn of events. Mr. Blair astounded Parliament yesterday when he said, "Ich
bin ein Twat muncher." Lady Thatcher fell off her stool and Iain Duncan
Smith blew a raspberry at Gordon Brown. This also made President Chirac of
France declare that he too was a twat muncher. President George W. Bush is
making an announcement later today, but is expected to go against the trend
and say he is a monkey strangler from the Kingol Network of rabid monkey
stranglers. Here endeth the news.

Jeff: I shagged your missus the other day.
Bill: No you never!
Jeff: I fucking did as well. Haha, the look on your face! Its priceless.
Bill: I dont know what your looking at, I burnt your house down this
morning.
Jeff: Yeah right, pull the other one.
Bill: Alright...
Jeff: -
Bill: Did it hurt?
Jeff: Give me a minute...
Bill: Slap you round the face with a brick? Alright...
Jeff: What? No I never...
(WALLOP)
Jeff: Ow! You fecjing tosspot.
Bill: Well, you asked for it.
Jeff: Knobcheese.

And now...

The Adventures of Sammyboy in France and Germany!

Part One: France.
Sammyboy enters a bistro just off Rue de la Monkey.

SAMMYBOY: Bonjour madame.
JEAN-PAUL GAULTIER: Hello sailor.
SAMMYBOY: I'd like a glass of your finest tomato ketchup please barman.
JEAN-PAUL: Certainment. Please sit down by la fenetre and un dodgy bloke
will speak to you.
SAMMYBOY: Nice.

As Sammyboy takes his seat, he is joined by a silly french bugger wearing a
two piece swimsuit with matching cravat.

SAMMYBOY: Evenin' boss.
FRENCH BLOKE: Bonsoir, je m'appelle Smith, Fred Smith.
SAMMYBOY: That's not a very french name.
FRENCH BLOKE: Non, I am undercover. Fred Smith is not my real name, I am
trying to be inconspicuous.
SAMMYBOY: What can I do for you Fred?
FRENCH BLOKE: Wait! Before I answer I must inform you that from now on I
shall be speaking in a comical 'Allo 'Allo type manner. Is zis alright?
SAMMYBOY: Okay, whatever.
FRENCH BLOKE: Now listen very carefully, I shall say zis only once, unless
you ask me to say it again. We have uncovered an 'orrible plot being plotted
at zis very moment by ze Germans.
SAMMYBOY: What plot?
FRENCH BLOKE: Zey are planning to create ze most delicious McChicken
Sandwich in ze world.
SAMMYBOY: So what?
FRENCH BLOKE: What do you mean, so what? Zis could mean ze end for ze French
and British McChicken Sandwiches! We want you to go to Germany and steal ze
recipe zat zey are developing for ze sandwich. Zen we will be able to keep
up with ze fiendish innovations zey have made.
SAMMYBOY: Alright me old twat features, I'll go. I'm feeling a bit hungry
anyway.
FRENCH BLOKE: Nice one, le geezer.

Part zwei: Germany
Sammyboy enters Germany using a pair of tweezers and a zimmer frame. He is
immediately apprehended by a comedy German stereotype.

SAMMYBOY: Sod it.
GERMAN: Vot are you doing hier?
SAMMYBOY: Not you as well. Is there anyone in Europe who doesn't speak
English? I'm supposed to be practising my language skills here.
GERMAN: A likely story. Ein Englisher practising language skills? I think
not. I vill be forced to take you to the torture chamber or, as ve like to
call it, Paradise Gardens.
SAMMYBOY: Who says the Germans don't have a sense of humour?
GERMAN: Come vith me.

Sammyboy is dragged by the knuckles to a fluffy pink building which had been
hiding behing a squirrel. Once inside he is subjected to the worst torture
that the Germans can think of.

SAMMYBOY: This isn't so bad.
GERMAN: Yes, I am afraid that because ve are stereotypical Germans, ve do
not have much imagination.
SAMMYBOY: I could put up with this for a while.
GERMAN: Ah, but if you tolerate this, then your badger vill be next.
SAMMYBOY: No! Not the badger! Anything but that please!
GERMAN: Then tell us vot you are doing in Deutschland.
SAMMYBOY: I was sent by a dodgy french geezer to steal your revolutionary
McChicken Sandwich plans.
GERMAN: Is that all? Ve scrapped those plans ages ago. Our tasters didn't
like the currywurst und sauerkraut that ve added to the sandvich. Ve
realised that our existing McChicken Sandwich is already far superior to
your own and the french one is just a joke.
SAMMYBOY: Really? Any chance of me trying one?
GERMAN: Ja, no problem. This torture chamber is really a McDonalds in
disguise.

And so, Sammyboy realised that he didn't have to learn to speak any new
languages as long as every country in the world speaks the universal
language of McDonalds.
The End.

Ahhhhhhh wasn't that nice?

Spank!

Now its time for a well-earned ad-break:

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doesn't do the trick? Then get the new PC World Non-Stick Large Girth Frying
Pan, perfect for mowing that overgrown lawn! Batteries and furry kittens not
included. Grandpa Tom included. Posh Spice not included. Your Mum has gone
bananas.

News just in...
Carrots are orange. However, due to government cutbacks, they will now be
called flumpdoodles and will be purple. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
Grandpa Tom not included.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Rolling Stones

Obi-Wan: Fucking hell Anakin the Rolling Stones are everywhere!
Anakin: I can see that you pillock. What on earth are we going to do?
Obi-Wan: Let's go on an anti-Stones, pro-Wrestling, cant cook wont cook,
hows your father, bit of the old stuff, know what I mean, wink wink nudge
nudge, scrub my back, do the washing, bake me a cake offensive attack
surprise type effort ploy.
Anakin: I've never done one of them before.
Obi-Wan: Me neither. Let's rock.
(Cue elaborate Kenobi guitar solo plus Anakin on spoons and saucepans)
Anakin: Bloody hell, the Stones are dead!
Obi-Wan: You fuckin what?
Random Scottish Bird: Ooh, are you Ewen McGregor?
Obi-Wan: Heh, never had a Scottish chick before... och aye.

Jonnyboy's Shopping List:

1 x Large Thing