Ladies and frying pans,
This unreleased episode of Badgerfest was recently unearthed from the JammyPloy archives. Containing brand new features this is a must for the stocking filler of young strumpets, trumpets and crumpets everywhere. Enjoy.
JammyPloy
BADGERFEST VIII / BADGERFEST 8 / BADGERFEST EIGHT
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Sirs,
On receiving the latest copy of the 'Badgerfest' series of emails I was saddened to see that your erstwhile producer/director Malcolm 'The' Cox was no longer working with you. I found that Mr Cox's light touch and 'quirky' sense of humour were often the defining qualities which made your e-mails such a joy to read. I must confess I do not think highly of this 'Govinda Jar' who you now employ. There are too many lewd references and scenes which border on the grotesquely hairy.
I must also complain at the lack of swear words. In Badgerfest Part 6 you managed to get through a total of 923 'fecjs', 276 'arses' and a staggering 3,401 'squirrels'. Compare this to Badgerfest 7 where you limited yourself to 1 'hello', 9 'c**ts' and 4,639,347 'bingly-bongs'. Something must be done to address this in the next episode.
Finally, may I just take it upon myself to say what a fantastic time I had boffing next door's cat yesterday. While disturbing, it was also disturbing in nature. May God have mercy on the custard.
Yours Faithfully,
Montgomerie Panesar
CEO, Dime Bar Industries
OBITUARIES
JEREMY VAN DER LASTKRAFTWAGEN (1807-2012)
Jeremy enjoyed a full life and will be remembered as one of the first pioneers of the cordless pigeon extractor. He was a household name at the age of 26 and rapidly became the world's top expert on recycled Postman Pat videos.
Born to the son of a Welsh rarebit merchant and part-time bouffant teaser, he spent his early years eradicating ginger wigs from Southend. He attended Eton College, Harrow, Harvard, Oxford, Harrods and Oxfam on Bristol High Street, before starting his own company making inflatable duffel coats.
Famously shunned by his peers, he decided to build a pier, and then put his peers on the pier, and then appeared to peer at them from another pier he borrowed from Colonel Jeffrey Jefferies of Grimsby. In his early nineties he married the 7 foot champion donkey strangler Helena von der Greasyknees, with whom he fostered three hundred and ninety seven goldfish.
During the post war era of the 1950's he took to randomly beating the cack out of unsuspecting lampposts. This was reported widely in the daily press as being 'Yes, only with less yes', and even appeared in a BBC documentary entitled 'Why I Like Randomly Beating The Cack Out Of Unsuspecting Lampposts by Jeremy van der Lastkraftwagen'. The show was widely condemned due to its lengthy title and glamourising violence towards inanimate objects.
In his later years Jeremy retired to the coast of Guatemala where he spent a large amount of time documenting the hairs on his left knee. The resulting book 'The Hairs on my Left Knee' became an international bestseller despite one critic calling it 'the worst piece of writing I have seen since a large man called Mildred gave me a Valentine's card written in Greek'. The sequel 'The Hairs on my Right Knee' was less well received, although the film adaptation won the Palme d'Or at Cannes.
He is survived by his wife, four men, three men, two men, one man and his dog 'woof! woof!' went to mow a meadow
In sports news, it has been revealed that in an effort to grab the attention of England coach Fabio "and Grooverider" Capello ahead of the 2010 Soccerball World Cup, David Beckham has decided to change his name to Mildred Crankypants. Victoria Beckham will henceforth be known Pringoo Bintfeatures. Spank you very much.
La la la, la la la, la la la, toss!
And now follows the latest episode of The Wire:
Rawls: Suck my dick McNulty
McNulty: What the fuck did I do?
Stringer Bell: It's just business baby
Omar: Oh indeed
Clay Davis: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Rawls: McNulty, you're a cocksucker
McNulty: Fuck you and your authority
Cartman: Respect my authoritaa!
Dr Dre: Gangsta
Bart Simpson: Eat my shorts
Tiger Woods: Get in the hole!
Father Jack: Feck!
BA Baracus: I ain't gettin' on no plane, you utter bastard.
Bill Bailey: I got ham, but I'm not in Hamsterdam.
As a celebration of Badgerfest returning after such a long absence, we have composed a song (to be sung to the tune of 'My Old Man's A Krangface')
Badgerfest, you minger.
Have it!
Slap it!
Take it!
Spank it!
Badgers are the nuts, oh yeah.
Leave them alone, let them burrow,
and dance, and sing,
and cook complicated culinary delights for me and my dog Boris.
What do we want?
Badgers!
When do we want them?
Fest!
What do we want?
Sluts!
Where do we want them?
In a box!
FOR SALE:
One pair of steam-powered retractable ferret-botherers in pink. Only four thousand years old, still with box and receipt from John Lewis. (Note this item is broken and will now only gently prod your ferret whilst humming the theme tune to The Bill). â¬14billion ono.
Drew's Mum. 2,000 Hyrule Rupees.
Two tickets to watch the live torture of Simon Cowell. No amount of money will persuade me to part with these, but feel free to ring me up so that I can laugh in your face. Hahaha!
Jammyploy update (part one):
Some of you may be wondering what Jammyploy has been up to since Badgerfest Seven. Even if you're not one of those people, prepare to find out.
After the relatively muted reception of Badgerfest Seven, Jammyploy descended into a period of severe depression, attempting to take his own life (and those of a passing herd of goats) on four separate occasions. Thankfully, all but one of these attempts failed.
Having been resurrected by Fred Winklehead (Shaman to the Stars), Jammyploy embarked upon a new career as an online sex monkey. During this happy time, compromising information about a number of high profile celebrities was collated by Jammyploy. This will be used for blackmail purposes at a later date in order to fund future Jammyploy film productions.
Having secured his future, Jammyploy said a tearful goodbye to the sex industry, in order to become full-time carer for Alistair Darling's eyebrows. This challenging role took Jammyploy all over the country, and indeed the world.The eyebrows have to be fed a strict diet of gin-laced Murray mints and have to be trimmed 4,000 times daily to prevent them from staging a complete takeover of the Darling face.
Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A. Seventy three
Ding dong merrily on high! I've gone and lost my trou-sers.
Fling flang merrily the pie! Was thrown at Doogie How-ser's.
Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la, shut it you schlag.
The duffel coats? Yes they come in three sizes madam. Small, Large and What Time Does The Ferry Arrive.
Abridged version of Twilight series:
12 year old bint: I like men
Vampire: Hello!
12 year old bint: I like vampires
Werewolf: Hello!
12 year old bint: I like werewolves and vampires and jelly babies
[17 minute pause while staring into space]
12 year old bint: I like... spam.
The End
Will all those with 3 and a half coconuts please report to reception. Murky buckets.
Jammyploy update (part two):
After winning the Academy Award for Best Spaniel in a Supporting Undergarment, Jammyploy decided to devote the next 63 years to perfecting the little known art of 'krang', a martial art developed in Swaziland which traps small ferrets in a jar. This was hugely unsuccessful.
THE END