Acclaim for Badgerfest 5:

'Definitely...an email.' - The Daily Telegraph.

'...vague...' - Vague.

'mmm...spank.' - The Guardian.

'Almost the best thing called Badgerfest 5 ever to be created.' - The Times.

'Would have been better if it had been called Vajfest.' - The Sun.

'Goodbye!' - Hello!

-------------------------------

WARNING: Do not under any circumstances try to attach this email to inside
of your underpants.

Yes it's that time again folks. Have your bananas at the ready and strap
yourself to your granny.
It's......

BADGERFEST 6: DIE HARD WITH A BADGER CALLED WANDA

Unfortunately, Jammploy cannot be here to take your email at the moment, so
this episode of the acclaimed Badgerfest saga comes to you courtesy of Jim
'Burgerlips' McSpang and Freddie 'I like differential geometry' Hurgengraw.

Buongiorno, mi chiamo Bernard. Bienvenue a Badgerfest numero six.

Now time for a famous Jammyploy ad break:

Break free from the rat race, ditch your boring job and go on holiday in
sunny Antarctica! The beaches stretch for miles and the sangria flows
endlessly as you freeze your bollocks off in a -50 degree gale whilst being
battered round the head by a polar bear on viagra who also fancies your dad.
Yes, thats right! Only ?999 for a two week break in Antarctica, its the new
Costa del Crap! Spend hours clubbing defenseless penguins to death in the
name of fun and ride the donkeys until their legs fall off with frostbite!
Spank it!

Tired of draughty breezes through your house? Fed up with people
unexpectedly popping round without notice? Then buy the brand new 'DOOR'
from Jammyploy Great inventions. The DOOR can be fitted into any door-shaped
hole in your house! With your new DOOR people can knock on it to let you
know they want to come in and murder your grandmother! People can smash it
in order to burgle you! So, rush to the shops now and ask for the DOOR, only
?999 plus packaging, fitting, installing, assembly and trial murder of
grandmother thrown in for free. DOOR! Its the new blocked up hole filler.
Batteries included. Door not included.

And now here is a police announcement:

The police have reported the arrest of Paddy O'Bonzaburger for the assault
of a prize tosspiece. Mr O'Bonzaburger was said to have pleaded his
innocence at the trial in Southern Baghdad. He claimed "I can't get no... da
da da... satis.. faction... da da da i said yeah yeah yeah" Police were said
to be baffled by the sudden intrusion of 536 kamikazi Dairylea Dunkers
equipped with anti-inflammatory machine guns. The investigation continues.

Important announcement for knee enthusiasts:
The 14:25 from Paddington will depart at 14:22. Arrival at Fantastic World
of Knees will be at 13:47 yesterday. Yesterday's special guest at FWOK will
be Pamela Knee-Anderson (formerly in Kneewatch), who as you all know is
particularly well endowed in the knee department.
Also, Would Mrs Cyril Sprout please remove her chest wig so that her husband
can do the ironing. Thankyou.

You! Do you know a guy called Bayda?
I want to take you to see Bayda!
I want to take you to see Bay-da, Bay-da, Bay-da!

Let's buy a door!
Buy a nuclear door!
With a radar, radar, radar!

Now tell me do ya,
Do ya have any bunnies?
I want to boil all your bunnies!
With a Death Star, Death Star, Death Star!

I've got something that can hurt you!
I've got something that can hurt you!
It's a crowbar, crowbar, crowbar!

With Shnargelface out of the way, the only thing left to do was to attack
Mrs Fangalang with an upturned piece of washing machine juice.

It's like... motorbikes... against horses, it's like... technology...
against horse!

"There are only two things in this world you are allowed to shoot... Humans,
and octupusses. Everything else you must save! If you ever see a human or an
octopus, it must be shot!"
This is an excerpt from "Rules of Shooting Things" by Mr Coco B
Twat-Features of Bangladesh.

And now, back to the European World National Donkey Hurling Competition
Championship Cup Prize Qualifiers Semi-Finals Grandmother:

Donkey: "Shitbags."
Me: "Oh yes indeed."

Badgerfest Appointments Section:

Postion Vacant: Head Teacher at Crumpington's School for the Criminally
Insane.

Attributes: Must be confident, patient and have a degree in nuclear physics.
7 languages a bonus. The successful candidate must show a working knowledge
of a 1978 Mustang Convertible and be able to handle various situations
ranging from poking a badger with a spoon to defusing potential nuclear
bombs within the confines of a small cardboard box shaped like a turkey
called Mildred.
Hobbies and Interests: Candidates must be keen sportsmen and also have an
appreciation for vintage wines made between 3rd March 1964 and 4th March
1964. They must also be able to recite Act II Scene I from Hamlet, and the
entire 'Royale with Cheese' sketch from Pulp Fiction.
Salary: ?1.26p annual wage
Benefits: Not being shot in the head by crazed inmates in a Californian
prison which has been moved next door to Britain owing to budget
constraints.
Twat: First 6 months on a trial basis, from then thrown out of the window
once a week.
Cheese: Preferably Cheddar although some Brie and Camembert will be
considered.
Apply with CV and covering letter to Jim W. Squirrel, 12 Barsey Arse Lane,
Brazil-on-the-Cock, Wales, RU18 2PP

Don't push me! Push that bloke over there - he's a raving knobhead.

Badgerfest Personals Column:

Women Seeking Men:-

Bow-legged, hairy bint (38-12-325)with a mortal fear of pillowcases wltm
effeminate older man (114+) for weekends of rampant stoat strangling
sessions. BYO squash racket.

Men Seeking Women:-

Lecherous dwarf (IQ: 402) wltm 3-legged, 5-breasted minx for kinky sex games
involving rubber dinghy, house spider and a pack of Marlboro Lights. BYO
door.

Ducks seeking Dogs:-

Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack 12 inch monster
quack quack quack quack quack. Woof woof arse.

Instructions for making your own kilt:

1. Find some fabric. If you are unable to find a suitable fabric then take
the skin of a cat and paint it with jam, custard and essence of Galapagos
tortoise.

2. Och mon.

3. Bampots.

4. Arrange the skin into a diamond shape before attaching it to the inside
of your gran's wig with a post-it note and four extra large scrubbing
boards.

5. Add vinegar, safety pins and highland toffee to taste.

6. The noo.

7. Poke it all up the nearest lamp-post and wait for results.

8. Serve on a bed of asparagus and chocolate feckwits.

Sports Report

Arsenal 5 - Hairy Gorillas from Outer Space 904

In an engaging match Arsenal were shown how to defend by the newly promoted
team of Hairy Gorillas from Outer Space. The Gorillas used stealth ray guns
which had been set to 'stir-fry' to occupy the Arsenal back four, while
their two strikers conducted an elaborate game of tiddly winks behind the
goal.

England Yes - Brazil Twinge

In this nailbiting semi final England came out victors by Yes goals to
Twinge in a high-tempered shouting match in the Houses of Parliament.
Germany were the first to score when their goalkeeper Klaus von
Shuddupayouface accidentally arsed his own fecj up the chimney. Then Italy
weighed in with a couple of throw-ins courtesy of their legendary full back,
Giuseppe van der Ronaldo-features. The match was declared too violent for
certain species of carpet, and will therefore be replayed on December the
first of Tuesday at Liverpool Street station in Mexico.

Get your Knee Hat today! Keep your knees from sunburn or rain and protect
them with a Knee Hat. Next week: Elbow Socks!

Due to the increased amount of brass instruments in the atmosphere, I will
be charging nine pounds twenty twinge for a look at my prize magnolias. Not
bad eh? Catch them while they're crap!

Jammploy exclusive!
Yes folks, Jammyploy can exclusively reveal that the title of Tarantino's latest film Kill Bill, did not come easily to the genius director. Some alternatives that he considered were:

Shave Dave - storyline involves Dave's beard growing out of control, culminating in a race against time to take a Mach 3 to the hairy-faced gimp before all hell breaks loose.

Spank Frank - Sordid tale involving Frank Butcher, a spanking machine and four cans of industrial strength nail varnish remover.

Dodge Noj - Everyone spends as long as they can avoiding the effeminate, Mazda MX5-driving burnout merchant.

Damn Sam - A competition is created in order to find who can come up with the most original curse directed at Sammyboy.

Kiss Chris - Obviously, this option was given almost half a seconds consideration before being dropped on grounds of taste.

Can Dan - A race against monkeys to make Dannyboy into an oversized can of spam.

Beat Pete - Fairly self-explanatory really. Everyone dishes out beats to the diminutive website-creating geek.

Don Jon - A modern take on Don Juan in which Jonnyboy spends the entire film being the monkey's nuts and vigorously shagging every lovely lady in sight.

Arse is a much better word than heart. Here's why:

Total Eclipse of the Arse - Bonnie Titfeeteyes.
You Stole the Sun from my Arse - Manic Feet Titarse.
Arse of Glass - Krang.
Something's Gotten Hold of my Arse - Gene Tit-knee.

Officially voted the least photographed couple of the millenium, it's Chuff and Bex!

This has been the 6th Festival of the Badgers. It only remains for your hosts, Sam 'the bag, you slag!' Rossiter and Jon 'Ah, there she is' Nendick, to say thankyou and goodnight.

This is to welcome in 2004 in style and hopefully you will see Badgerfest 7: Return of the Spankathon at some point before your granny makes jelly and custard for George W. Bush.