Well it was bound to happen sooner or later: a thread to discuss all that is good and bad on British TV. Admittedly most of it is bad so lets try and find some good bits.

First of all, who has seen the trailer for the new BBC series 'Hustle'. It looks suspiciously in the mould of Oceans Eleven/Confidence etc which is fine by me. But also it appears that the leading female in it has been designed by some kind of genius interbreeding of Liz Hurley, Liv Tyler and a pair of legs. Cor blimey guv'nor if I do say so myself. I think it starts next week.

Did anyone see 'the Catherine Tate show' last night? Kind of Fast Show/Big Train character-led comedy. A bit wank if you ask me. There were a couple of comedy moments but she seems to have about 3 characters who do 5 or 6 sketches per show. The genius thing about the Fast Show was they had about 50 characters who each had 1 sketch per show, maybe 2. I did quite like the woman who screams at the smallest noise, toast popping up, rice krispies etc. Far too repetitive, especially the annoying woman in the office who keeps asking her co-worker to guess how much/how many all the time. May be a grower though so watch it next week and see what you think. Monday's at 10pm on BBC2.

Favourite TV prog (ie the only one I never miss): Buzzcocks - Bill Bailey is a genius and I could just laugh at him all day even if he was doing nothing.

Worst TV prog: Im a Celebrity/Pop Idol/Fame Academy etc should be wiped from the face of the planet

I only watch NMB, CSI and ER on a regular basis, the rest is mainly a bit pants...I'm spending most of the time watching films or Spaced or playing FFX.

I vote we get rid of all soaps...fucking Eastenders bollocks!

"Scrubs" i find is hugely entertaining.

Anyone watched Nip Tuck? Ment to be good. Only seen a couple. Damn .. just realised I missed it tonight.

TV Burp is back! Tonight (Friday) at 11. Woohoo!

Hustle also has Robert Vaughn. Genius, the Man From Uncle is back.

did anyone see the top pop artists in the world ever thing that was on the other night.

it had the top 50 pop artists on single sales.

pretty obvious members really apart from the number 1

top 10 consisted of:

madonna
elton john
queen
elvis
michael jackson
the beatles

amongst others...

number one however was ....

cliff richard....

......


....


....


...

i know, rediculous isnt it... above the beatles, above elvis!!

perhaps more importantly though, as the credits were rolling, the tune of ultrasounds "stay young" rang through.... suprisingly however, ultrasound didn't make the top 50

Only saw a little bit of Hustle, but it seemed okay. Blatantly nabbed all their ideas from Oceans 11/The Sting etc. Robert Vaughn was as cool as a cucumber in the Antarctic.

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace gets better every week. Completely fecjed in the napper. Oh, and its also genius because they had a trail in the break announcing the imminent return of Black Books.

I haven't made a concerted effort with Darkplace. It could be fecking funny, but I reckon I'd have to be drunk and not on my own for the full experience. Do you like Director's Commentry? That seems vaguely similar.

Next ER looks exciting...I reckon the helicopter is gonna finish the job it started on Romano.


PS Yay Black Books...even though it's only really funny when it concentrates on Manny (that's Bill Bailey...the spawn of a hobbit's drunken one-night stand with Michael Bolton).

Ah, so you have also read this month's Empire. I thought you would have.

Is this the best summing up of a film ever? -

'The Matrix Revolutions showed that the complex issue of the future could be dealt with in a silly way while raising the questions: 'What's going on?', 'What's he doing there?' and 'Eh?'.'

Indeed, laugh? ILMFAO...All this intraweb time can't be good for the brain you know.

I also got excited about the In/Out section on p.48;

Withering JK insult:
IN - 'Empire is the equivalent of Eddie Murphy'
OUT - 'A readership of film peasants'

I now know who this JK person is (and it aint the HP author); there's a guy who posts on Empireonline called JaimieKanwar, who writes incredibly long reviews of films and has relatively recently been very disappointed with Empire, and who now takes every opportunity to slag them off, hence the quotes...he's obviously hit a nerve...

ER - has to be the best ever helicopter-falling-on-someone's-who-totally-deserved-scene!! doesnt happen a lot but when it does its worth waiting for.

also on the quality from note six feet under still going - and i got right into shameless odd dodgy but totally watchable.

Went to watch QI being filmed last night. Guests were Bill Bailey, Jimmy Carr, Jo Brand and, surprisingly, Alan Davies. It was good.

Alright

Hustle I have found to be fucking shit. I know this is cynical and yes the Liv Tyler dirty sit on my face brunette does give the prog more viewing cred but let's be honest - Danny the 'I used to be a woman but had rubber surgery on my fucking ugly mug' is lame as is the black wimpy 'I'm in charge but you wouldn't have guessed it if I had it tatooed to my forehead in neon lights' catalog model. The whole thing's too clean, there's no sign of McGuyver anywhere and quite simply you can't have a decent scam series without some of those...so there.

Further more I'm not in it so there's blatantly no reason to watch it.

Catherine Tate show again is SHIT. Even coupling with that rather dirty blond is not going to cut it. I propose badgerfest go live and save this nation from the turds running the Beeb darling.

Furthermore I have come to find advertisements more interesting. No one can deny the absolute genius that is the Lynx campaign with filth in the form of nubile young women in a hot room. God Bless you chaps!

Grr.

Actually slightly pissed off that Dr Romano has been killed by helicopter on the bonce. He was one of the main reasons that I watched the show. If they want to keep me watching now they'll have to put a lot more of of Parminder Nagra in and a lot less of that tosspiece Kovac.

I agree with Lynx advert genius, but the best advert on tv still has to be the apple Tango ad:

'Yes, that's the real apple drenching! Six point four...woof!

Oh and Garth Marenghi was qualita once again - woman catches disease that turns her into broccoli, unbeatable.

ER was tops but Romano did go out with a bit of a whimper; no-one even noticed. Next ep has to be all about him or else. And more Parminder. And the cast of Casualty; that'll show them what real hospitalling is all about.

Lynx ad good, Lynx very very bad.

Tango ad good, Tango alright.

Hustle OK, Jaime whatshername fit.

QI quite interesting, Bill Bailey a god.

Darkplace vaguely amusing, Garth Marenghi anagram of Argh! Nightmare.

That concludes the TV forecast.

Seriously though Darkplace could well be genius...I do enjoy the way that the dubbing is slightly out of sync but only because that's how they speak. "Break it up. This is a hospital." The song was class as well. My only problem with it is that it didn't make me laugh at all...oh well.

Hmm double posts...nice.

Watched Black Books the other day; It had a few good laughs; I'll definately be watching the rest of the series...I dunno if I'd want to own it or anything, I don't think I'd want to spend much time with the characters if you catch my drift. Simon Pegg stole every scene he was in though; "I'M VERY ANGRY!"

Bernard had the best line though: "He's mine. Get your own human play-thing." What did you think?

Just thought I'd add something to this TV style forum by mentioning that series 8 of South Park starts on Wednesday with an Anime stylee episode called Good Times with Weapons.

Come get Some

So bad it's entertaining:

DVD Clinic on ITV on Fridays after Harry Hill.

Truly, truly awful.

Words cannot express.

I quite enjoy the 'just sitting around chatting about some films we were forced to watch' amateurishness of it all.

"Katie loved it, didn't you Katie? Especially the end right? You didn't actually watch it did you?"

Dunno if her name's Katie, it just seems to fit...

I have developed a disturbing fondness for the Three advert with Anna Friel and her shoes...not all of it you understand, just the bit where she goes,

"Black, brown."
"Brown, black"
"I think brown; I'm wearing jeans."

It's just so...why does she have to wear brown shoes because of her jeans? It seems so arbitrary to me. I really don't know why I like it...but if anyone can shed light on the subject of brown shoes with jeans I really think it may help my condition.

At the risk of being branded a girl for rest of my days, it's quite simple really: brown shoes look better with jeans than black ones do.
Sometimes the obvious answer is the best.

The bit that makes me laugh is her summary of evolution in the big main ad:

'One minute you're a single-celled amoeba, then whoosh! A fish, a frog, a lizard, a monkey! And then ... an actress.'

No Friel, that's wrong. Take 5x.

BLOKE IN A DRESS, IT'S A BLOKE IN A DRESS!

But seriously though; I guess you could be right...I still find myself liking that bit though...and I don't know about you but I reckon that they may well be giving Gish and his creationists a load of new ideas:

"What is more likely; 'One minute you're a single-celled amoeba, then whoosh! A fish, a frog, a lizard, a monkey! And then ... an actress.' or 'There is a supreme being who created the world in six days for us FOR US DAMMIT!'?"

"He's right; evolution is clearly nonsense. Well done Gish. Take 5 merits."

Yeah, I mean if that was right, then there would have to be some fossil remains of the 'amoeba-fish' or the 'monkey-actress' lying around.
Having said that though, Patsy Kensit could be a monkey-actress.

How could a 'monkey-actress' survive? In the trees it would be weighed down by its gigantic bosom and on-screen its tail would distract from emotionally intense scenes, it'd never work!

Conclusive proof...though if you're right about Patsy, is that why she went for Liam? Should Gaz from Supergrass be worried?

Think about it thought with the cosmetic surgery industry being so closely linked to the film industry there are probable hundreds of monkey/actrsses wandering around anad we would never know?

makes you think - what would they do with all those tails?

Black Books last night was genius, the series gets better and better.

Best bit: the 'bar under the table' where Bernard and Fran go having dropped their forks to escape Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa.

"Pardon me boy... is that the Chatanooga Choo Choo?..."

the latest South Park series is once again on top form. The Manga stylee ninja ep last week was on top form, the four boys as ninja take on Prof. Kaos In an ultimate Dragonball Z type battle, until Kenny actually launches a ninja star into butter's eye. genius. Ep 2 is another Jimmy/Timmy spectacular, with quite possibly the funniest scene featuring Timmy ever! Also includes Cartman trying to fake his way into the Special Olympics (Read: Mentally Handicapped Olympics) lots of un-PC fun. Anyone who hasn't sen them yet i strongly advise to do so, you won't regret it!!

And another new epsidoe out wednesday night, hurrah!

PS also Darth whotshisface's Dark Place is quite genius, managed to have missed all of black books so far (bollock), not seen any of hustle saw some of brat camp which is now annoyingly compelling whilst being total crap, the first ep was really interesting but now it moving slower then a sloth nailed to the back of a slug on a bed of salt thats on a stationery truck thats stationary.

Advert-watch:

2 Adverts have had me roaring with laughter this week, first time in ages.

The first one is the Anchor spreadable one with the two cows talking like Kenny from South Park which I had seen before but is true genius. Go here to see it.

The other is the guy who plays Al Murray pub landlord and is on Harry Hill from time to time in the Trebor Mints ad.

"Just ask that scoop of young boy trouts over there."

Class.

I also notice I am now part of the 100 posts club, joining Jonnyploy and King as Count Badgula III.

Respect.

More adverts:

Jonnyboy and I have been cracking up at the tune on the latest IKEA ad at the cinema.

I have it on good authority that it's "Nem Vem Que Nao Tem" by Wilson Simonal, from the City Of God soundtrack.

The lyrics go something like this: " A spinky spanky pinky ponky butalia, chango chee chango cha chango chingo chingo cha..."

Cant seem to find a decent download of it so if anyone can find a link... Pedro?...

For your listening pleasure:

best ad is the mastercard with the guy trying to turn on the light and finding his blender works. as the ad says ... priceless!

Have just seen the newest one where Friel spouts more random bollocks in a restaurant:

"So say there's a breadstick, and it wants to talk to another breadstick, but the other breadstick wants to talk to a glass of wine, and the vinegar can't talk to the cake."

Yeah, nice one Friel.

Yeah, I'd just like to point out again that it's only "Brown, black. Black, brown. I'll go with brown; I'm wearing jeans" that I like, the rest of the ads can go take a long walk off a short volcano.

Helen Chamberlain from Soccer AM in Penthouse:

A certain gentleman who shall remain nameless pointed me in the direction of these sordid pics... hmmm...

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/thekerridges/hcsmall.jpg

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/thekerridges/hc1.jpg

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/thekerridges/hc2.jpg

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/thekerridges/...hellsbells1.jpg

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/thekerridges/...ls%20bells2.jpg

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/thekerridges/...ls%20bells3.jpg

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/thekerridges/...ls%20bells4.jpg

Sam, I'm shocked and appalled; as soon as I work out how, I'm going to send an angry letter to the Daily Mail.

The All Star Comedy Show on ITV may involve every comedian in Britain but it is still abysmally toss.

Instead, treat yourself to some proper top drawer comedy by watching Yes, Minister from the very beginning on BBC2 at 10pm tonight.

Sir Humphrey: The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices.

Jim Hacker: Don't tell me about the Press. I know exactly who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by the people who think they run the country. The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country. The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The Financial Times is read by people who own the country. The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country. The Daily Telegraph is read by the people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don't care who runs the country - as long as she's got big tits.

Genius.

Concurrence.

Everyone should watch This Week on BBC1 every thursday, late. Michael Portillo is the best political commentator on telly by about a mile and a half.

Also, second series of 15 Storeys High with Sean Lock starts on BBC2 on Sunday. Watch this - it is fecking hilarious. I think it's on at about 10pm.

Soccer AM today: On the catwalk section today they had two 'paperazzi' doing the weak jokes. As they made to leave;

"Helen! Helen! Can we get a shot of you? Could you turn around? Can someone get that bass guitar in?"

Oh how I laughed.

West Wing was most entertaining I thought, but I was disappointed that it ended when it did; it was just getting going. It had double-bill written all over it. Still, Donna’s “They’ll just be another minute.” was priceless.

I’m also enjoying Green Wing at the moment; last week’s was the best yet, I laughed my arse off when Mac stabbed Guy with the scalpel and Mark Heap has confirmed himself as a complete genius.

NB: Hitchhiker's Guide is on Radio 4 at 18.30 tonight (21/09/04) DON'T MISS IT FOLKS.

Did anyone happen to catch Later... on Friday? I ask because I caught most of a song called 'Black Horse and the Cherry Tree' by KT Tunstall.

So what? Well, the song had overlapping voices (like a round...Row Row your boat or summat), repeated overlapping guitar riffs, a tamborine and a real funky blues beat. So what? Well it was performed (live) entirely by KT alone with just the aid of some foot pedal thingys (and a tamborine) and it was fantastic. It's probably slightly less impressive on the radio but as a live performance it was incredible.

Anyway, if you happen to be into the Norah Jones/Katie Melua thing, the rest of her stuff sounds much like that to me (ok just a bit dull) but this one was great.

The Futureheads are also worth a look, album's quite good.

For those of you into your sci-fi programmes I'd like to mention Firefly a short-lived sci-fi series with western undertones by Joss Whedon.

I've been catching odd eps on the Sci-Fi channel at 6 and I'm enjoying what I see, the dialogue is snappy and the characters are interesting and you can get the whole series for £17.99 if you're not a downloader...but you probably are.

It seems that Fox were being idiots yet again in cancelling it, but there's a film coming out in USA Sept next year which could be interesting...check it out anyway.

PS I'm liking the Wikipedia

I agree, Firefly is definitely worth watching.

Another recommendation:

Have a look at a series called

"Mind, Body and Kick ass moves". It's some martial arts expert (British and actually quite good) going round all the traditional arts out East and meeting the proper grand masters of each art.

Except it's just plain ridiculous what these guys can do from knocking someone over with their voice to telepathy to lifting 150KG with their penis (i shit you not).

It's very much NOT the typical shitty FX edited micky mouse martial arts documentary. There is very much no clever camera work or stupid sound effects or annoying 5 minutes long spiritual music sequences.

It was on BBC3 in Aug/Sept but they're doing reruns now. Well well worth the watch - i'm certainly going to buy the DVD if it comes out.

Coming up on Monday 10pm: Look Around You; a spoof of Tomorrow's World-type early eighties programs played completely straight featuring such great inventions as a football that is 250 times rounder than the average...looks good. (Stars Dwayne Benzie/voice of Darth Maul himself Peter Serenawicheniwizenovich...or however it's spelt.)

The Rotters Club, BBC2 Wednesdays at 9pm.

Sample:

-Did you ask her how far they had gone?

-She said it was just platonic. I had to look it up. It means they haven't done it yet.


Quality, watch it.