I begin here my official insider's guide to our small but perfectly formed clan. Having had conversations with the extended Badgerfest family, I thought it might be an idea to give you an insight into some of the history, personalities, quirks, phrases and sheer bizarreness of Badgerfest.

NB Some of the things here confuse even those on the inside of the Badgerfest brotherhood.

Dedicated to all the girlfriends of Badgerfest members who fell by the wayside due to an inability to cope with the insanity.

Part 1 - the Series of Bizarre Faces

Ok this one foxes a lot of people who are new to Badgerfest - I believe it was devised by the Hon. Ween Pie and myself in the Prince Regent probably in Lower Sixth year (1997 - 1998)

Simply perform the following actions/mimes/impressions towards someone else and get them to follow along with you:

1. Gerard Houllier (former Liverpool manager - generally really big eyes works here)

2. Sheena (former girlfriend of Marno - big dappy smile)

3. Imogen (former girlfriend of Noj - raise hands to press face in mock horror disfigurement - bringing to mind the Elephant Man)

4. Dying Giraffe (from the South Park film - hands stay at mouth area to make sound of dying giraffe as done by The Mole in said film)

5. The Fonz Comb Check (from Happy Days - remember the bit when the Fonz looks in the mirror to check his hair and realises its incredible already? - do that)

6. Double Rimmer Salute (from Red Dwarf - done by extending right hand at shoulder height, circulate several times then snap salute)

7. Third Rock from the Sun Salute (hand slapped on forehead, pushed back over head, then forward again, then raise hand to wave)

The short version is often applied which involves the first three only.

I didn't say it would make any sense.

I stand enlightened.

I practiced my rimmer salute when in work - i did it in a small way..slightly hunched beneath the desk.

I will soon be starting a series of profiles of all members as follows:

Anandappa
Blake
Bowles
Clifton
Dhar
Hawkins
James
Nagtegaal
Nendick
Rossiter
Simonds
Walker
Watts
Williams

Anyone I've missed out let me know... I think I got everyone. I did think about also doing extended stragglers (eg Chuff, Halling etc... but I can't be arsed)

Genius...I think an explanation of Dave will be required at some point.

Character Profiles - Part 1

Loren (Anandappa)

a.k.a. Lamb, Lamb Pie, Sporren

As a member of Trevelyan House at Haileybury, Loren was among the hub of the early Badgerfest crowd, along with Marno, Chris, Mike and Pete. Best known for his stories with no punchline (thus spawning the phrase "cheers for that Loren"), the diminutive Spurs fan rose to fame with his Craig David beard and random one-liners such as “I took prep once”, “Back in the day” and greetings including ‘my lad’ and ‘sonny jim’.

Top 3 Anecdotes related to Loren:

His treatment at the hands of Mr Greer (Geography GCSE) - "Loren, get out, you're black."

His infamous decision to go babysitting rather than be with us at Millennium New Year for an almighty piss-up.

Turning up at the Prince Regent in his school uniform.

Currently: working for PriceWaterhouseCoopers in London as an audit monkey. Is looking to confirm permanent housing arrangements soon in the Hertford area.

He also has a tasty car.

Sammyboy, I think this could well turn into the greatest thread ever on Badgerfest. Keep it up my son.

One query: Lamp Pie?

Mmm lamp pie... yum yum.

Good spot Jonnyploy - the records have been amended.

Next up: von Blurk

Character Profiles - Part 2

Peter (Blake)

a.k.a. Pete, Pedro, Pedro von Blurk, Pedroth

Arriving into the Badgerfest fold after a transfer from Russell Dore to Trevelyan, Pete is most renowned for his confrontations with his nemesis Drew during Goldeneye or Halo. Pete lives on a strict diet of Gin and Politics - and conducts his life by the gospel according to Dilbert. Pete is the only person on the planet who likes Beck. He is caught between two Jennies, Good Jennie (girlfriend) and Evil Jennie (sister).

Top 3 Anecdotes related to Pete

Drinking a hideous amount while at Tart's place, falling asleep outside on the grass, and having a kid's McDonalds flag stuck under his arm - who has the photo?

His general sleeping pattern: Pete is a nocturnal creature who would crumble if exposed to sunlight. Normal waking hours are 4pm - 4am.

Appearing ghost-like at the door at about 3am while in Dartmouth - having just consumed most of the country's stock of illegal substances.

Currently: 'working' on his PhD in Manchester. It is based on Spintronics which I am reliably informed is something to do with washing machines. Apparently the consumption of kebabs play a large part in the research.

Jesus; I'm glad no-one's around as I'm now on the floor.

Sloppy's

In order to understand the true meaning of Badgerfest, you must reckon with Sloppy Joe's circa 1997-8.

Frequented by us in the Fifths/Lower Sixth, this cramped, smoky, expensive, dodgy bar was home to us every weekend for several months. It was the only place which would let us in underage, so we used to go in and order two jugs of Melonball each and wreck our lovely, pure, innocent, 16 year old livers.

Favourite tricks at Sloppy's were to leave Dave there and leg it, watch Ryan Muncy come in the door and shout 'BAR!' at the top of his lungs, and chat up the tasty barmaids by asking for 'two of your finest jugs, please' - you can see the humour hasn't really evolved at all since those early days.

This is where we really practised our 'yes I am old enough to drink thank you Mr Bouncer' tactics, particularly Pedro and I. Various combinations included coming up with on-the-spot made up birth dates, trying to pass off a standard cash card as proof of age, and trying to guess the star sign to go with whoever's ID you had - I normally went for Scorpio and failed.

FYI: Sloppy's ceased to exist several months ago and is now 'No. 11' - completely transformed into a cramped, smoky, even more expensive, dodgy bar.

May we make requests? I, for one, would like to hear Feedback: the story behind the band. But brilliant so far.

Also, on a side note, David Hasselhoff? hee.

Jennie: requests are most welcome, stay tuned for the story of Feedback.

Meanwhile...

Character Profiles - Part 3

Graham (Bowles)

a.k.a. Bowl, Bowlhead, Graz, Grazza, Grimbowls

Lanky and blonde, Graham is used as a homing beacon for travellers around the globe. A member of Colvin and then Thomason, 'Bowl' was in the same house as Drew and Ween Pie. He is most renowned for being the bass player in Feedback and excessive drinking. He achieved the Gold award in D of E, and had an interesting action when it came to heading footballs. We spent many an enjoyable afternoon talking random bollocks during Mr Greer's (Geography) and Mr George's (Maths) lessons for GCSE.

Top 3 Anecdotes related to Bowl: (I have a lot more from Uni but none of you will know those... yet)

Selective memory loss of chord progressions

His penchant for waterskiing with Malcolm (which must be like something out of a bizarre dream)

I seem to remember at one of Marno's parties he jumped on an unsuspecting female before getting smacked in the mouth by that random drunk bloke called Ben. Hilarious. I will come onto Marno's Parties™ at a later stage.

Currently: a safari guide in Botswana, Africa. He now sports a Robbie Savage haircut and a 'Hallo Pa' Afrikaans accent stronger than Marno.

Marno's Parties

To my knowledge there were at least 3 parties at Marno's house, maybe 4, and they are legendary. They also seem to have blended into one messy drunken blur to me.

Fifths: The first one I can recall was possibly around Easter time in the Fifths (?) when small cans of Budweiser and bottles of Bud Ice seemed to be the order of the day. I think Marno was going out with Laura Lothian at the time who if I remember correctly was running round in just a duvet for most of it. I think Matt Clifton was there. And maybe Tom Breed. Dave-punching-wall incident?

Lower Sixth (???): I have a nagging feeling there was one in the lower sixth - during the Cat & Lucy era (a golden age) - but I don't think either of them were there. I think that was also the one where we had a huge bit of paper we all wrote random Fast Show phrases down on (in a hole, with an owl, in the dark etc) - Marno have you still got it? This may be the one where I continually said 'forget it, it's all over, you're dead' ad infinitum, God knows why.

Upper Sixth: The third one I was wearing an orange shirt and it must have been near Christmas as I was wearing a Santa hat. There are photos. This was the one that will be remembered for the infamous Sheena/Lucy Woffenden incident of which I had a splendid view. I'm thinking Xmas of Upper Sixth (?), and a load of random Presdales girls turned up. I think Kat was there. Did Tart pass out on the floor in this one?

First Year of University: The last one was just very messy and the only recollection I have was a huge bucketful of punch and Drew drinking most of it through a long bendy straw. That must have been first year after leaving Haileybury (?).

Please help with your own memories as mine are very hazy. Any more recollections of booze-fuelled fighting and snogging would be much appreciated.

Character Profiles - Part 4

John (Clifton)

a.k.a. Noj (yes well done it's John backwards, to differentiate from Jon Nendick who is Jonnyboy - got it?)

Noj was born under a basin in a hairdressers in Romford. He was in Edmonstone with me at Haileybury and therefore a fantastic bloke. He is most well known for, in no particular order, his hair, his nose, his car, 'laying the smackdown', Julian Clary impersonations, Annwen, Lucy, Ellie, the Canadian one, doing the Jonny Bravo angular hands pose which we all copied, his brother Matt, his Cambridge mates, his bizarre taste in music, I could go on...

Top 3 Anecdotes related to Noj

I definitely recall having to sit with him while he lay comatose in Maidenhead Street after his 17th birthday, waiting for Marno (also wasted) to get his car and come and pick us up.

The Circle Line Pub Crawl for his 18th - having done one or two stops we all piled off to the Pitcher and Piano off Leicester Square and got very, very drunk. On the walk back to Tart's I have a clear memory of discussing the pros and cons of Debbie McGee with Drew.

Playing cards with his Cambridge mates at New Year who all completely went against stereotype. I don't think.

Currently: living in Winchester and working for IBM.

Dave

Ok, it was bound to come up at some point.

To give the full lowdown, Dave (Stevenson) used to be a central figure in the very early days of our crowd ('95-'97) along with Chris, Marno, Drew etc. When I started to get involved he was the singer of Feedback (singing generally not very well), playing guitar (again with surprising lack of talent) and being a misery. It became apparent during the lower sixth that he was a manic depressive and actually a complete tosspiece. The culmination of all this ended with us getting Govind in as singer in Feedback and trying our hardest to alienate Dave.

Memories include Malcolm walking up to him and saying 'Dave, you're a twat', getting a tattoo on his shoulder which looked cack, and punching the wall at one of Marno's parties.

The anecdote to end all anecdotes with Dave was right at the bitter end when he sent us a letter, yes a letter, telling us all what a bunch of deceitful, lying bastards we were and hoped that we would all rot in hell.

To cap this we decided to mark it for grammar and spelling and send it back to him. I believe the comments were something along the lines of '3/10 could do better' but I'm sure someone will correct me.

Oh how we laughed.

He is still living just down the road from me and working in the Stone House. Oh lord speed me away from this place.

re: Marnos Parties




Most likely, but i think that is common of most of them...
I think I was only drawn all over stripped and photographed the once - happy days...

O Yeah.

Awesome

Character Profiles - Part 5

Govind (Dhar)

a.k.a. Gov, Govistar, Govinda Jaya Jaya, Hairy Beast, The Chest Wig

Govind comes from Dubai. He is hairy. He likes little boys. What's not to like? He was brought into Haileybury in the Lower Sixth to bring the level of mojo circulating the girls houses to above the national standard of 7 eyebrow-raises per square metre. He was the singer in Feedback ousting Dave (see above). He got married to the lovely Joystick last year. His passions are a) trimming his beard, b stroking my leg and c) developing his relationship with Charlie Newberry (erp!). Govind is on first name terms with every person on the face of the Earth.

Top 3 Anecdotes relating to Gov

I still have a perfect memory of him singing Supersonic by Oasis in the band room when Dave walked in and his little pudgy face went all squishy

Sitting in the library killing ourselves laughing for an hour or so because Thuccydiddes sounded rude.

Mr Talibard confirming that his essay was indeed 'a good length'.

Currently: finishing his Masters in Bristol before legging it back to Dubai to take over the world.

Feedback - The story behind the Band

I first remember talking about the band on the walk over to the science blocks with Ween and Bowl. They were telling me how they'd heard of this hot new drummer by the name of George Ross-Goobey, who was set to be the next Dave Grohl. I asked if I could come along to a practice anyway and watch while Ween and Bowl played. They said yes. So I sat and tapped along to the songs (Oasis, Offspring, Oasis, a bit more Oasis) At this point (in the middle of the Fifths - we were 15 or 16) Dave was the singer and Marno was kind of in and out of the picture as rhythm guitar. It took a while for me to pick up basic beats but once I did it was all systems go! I was the new drummer in Feedback!! (who's seen Spinal Tap? I was looking forward to a bizarre death).

The early days were tough, we had to cope with Dave strangling a cat every practice and Bowl & Marno's short term memory. Ween and I soldiered on, believing that ROCK was our salvation. (Jim Morrison frequently appearing in our dreams)

At the start of the Lower Sixth Govind arrived and got talking to Ween about singing in the band. Dave was history.

At this time we were playing covers, and one or two tentative originals. Songs included Song 2 - Blur, Hows It Going To Be - Third Eye Blind, Traffic - Stereophonics, Supersonic - Oasis, Cigarettes & Alcohol - Oasis, Live Forever - Oasis (see a pattern emerging yet?) All Right Now - Free, Hard to Handle - Black Crowes, Smiling - Symposium, Basket Case/Welcome to Paradise/Time of your Life - Green Day, Inside - Stiltskin. Plus a few other randoms which I forget.

Our first proper gig I believe was the International Evening in the Lower Sixth - which I seem to remember got a pretty positive response from most people.

Next up was the Rock Concert in the Lower Sixth. Up against a couple of other bands, we were on first and dazzled a capacity audience of 12 people and Malcolm. Usher-Smith/Al Ford-Robertson's band unbearably good playing Sandstorm, Friend is a four letter word etc

The luxuries of rock took their toll on some of us. Bowl was in rehab for most of the sixth form, Marno was a crack addict and turned to armed robbery and gun crime. Gov was sent to jail for 6 months convicted of excessive stroking of an unarmed squirrel. Warren tried to kill himself three times by putting his head in a currant bun. And as for me, well I used to meet up with the Gallagher brothers for sessions of heavy drinking, smoking, and nicking Mr Athey's hubcaps.

In the Upper Sixth I think we played 3 gigs, the International Evening again, the Rock Concert again and the MUN gig. In my opinion the one where we officially ROCKED THE CASBAH! was the MUN gig (Model United Nations conference thing) It had everything: a packed Bradby Hall, mad Irish groupies throwing knickers, and a stonking rendition of Song 2 which I think actually theatened the stability of the stage, and quite possibly rocked the very foundations of Haileybury itself.

Special recognition must go to our one crowd-surfer and die-hard fan King who was carried out of Big School on a tide of 3 and a half people.

Feedback will return.

Sammyboy, stop writing stuff this funny. I get weird looks at work when I do the trying not to laugh out loud and snorting instead thing.

sammyboy,

you forgot our rare, unreleased and undocumented gig upon the roof top at casa del woz

Was that your last ever performance as a group and did the police come and unplug you because it was so popular it was causing the traffic to build up as the streets were filled with throngs of fans?

Nicknames

This is an interesting one and has consumed hours of debate about where various bizarre names come from. I won't go through them all as some (Dannyboy, Williams, etc) are fairly obvious.

These are some of the more unusual ones:

Tart: correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I might have started this one off. When Chris Evans did his breakfast show and TFI Friday he used to be called Christopher-lambey-pie by his producers/assistants. This I think we turned into Christopher-lemony-tart (not sure why), which then turned into Lamney Tart, Laminated Arse at one point, before finally being shortened to Tart. That is my belief - I am open to alternative theories in the ways of the Tart.

Mango: Fairly obvious - sounds a bit like Marno but with a bit of added dopiness/fruitiness for effect.

Barn Owl / Straggloth / 'The Straggle': Another one of Marno's, given to the tremendous wing-span his hair developed at one point. Let us never forget the width of the barn owl. And the horror when it got chopped!

Lamb Pie / Sam Pie / (The Old) Ween Pie: I have racked my brains but can't remember where the 'pie' bit came from. I know when I got made school prefect it was SP and therefore Sam Pie, and we also had Wooppaahhhh and Suppaaahhh but feck knows why. I haven't really explained that one have I? Can anyone enlighten us? Ween? Were we on drugs?

Ween: Again, not sure. I have always known Ween as Ween. There is a band called Ween, anything to do with that? Who started that one? Was it some comedian in Thomason?

Dubider: This is just laziness setting in. My name became eroded over a couple of years. This one started off as Sammy-star, (started by Govi-star) and rapidly became Dammy-der, Dubby-der and when people couldn't be bothered to pronounce that much - Dub. At one stage it was even Hobby-dob! What the fudge were we on? I remember some random Presdales girl coming up to me and saying 'are you Hobby-dob?' - what could I say? Actually no my name is Sam.

Pedro von Blurk: If no-one else is going to claim responsibility I think this might have been one of mine again. There is no logic. It just sounds funny and brings to mind some bizarre Spanish/German/Dutch aristocrat. Which of course is very similar to Pete.

Govistar/Sammystar: Well we were in love after all...

Jammyploy: A combination of Sammyboy and Jonnyploy.

Noj: John is backward

Doooooooo: Like I said, some of them are fairly straight forward.

King (of sex): This is one of the ones that we didn't actually start. This one was probably Jamie Goldring (?) in Trevelyan - who didn't look up a lot when playing football (see under Football; cretins) Often lengthened to Kingol or Kingsley. Go figure.

Character Profiles - Part 6

Warren (Hawkins)

a.k.a. Ween, Ween Pie, Woz, Woopaahhh

And so we come to the mighty Hawkins. Lead guitarist in Feedback (bringing to mind Noel Gallagher). Spurs fan. Computer whizzkid and general Halo hardcore ringleader. Goatee beard (most of the time). Ween was in Thomason where his study became the focal point for a while. Apple stickers on chairs, Married with Children, and watching people coming in and out of dining hall. Ah those were the days. I also have fond memories of him standing on the edge of the penalty area in football, waiting to get the ball and pang it into the top corner.

Top 3 Anecdotes relating to Ween

How can I do this without mentioning Elbert Wurlings? In the Upper Sixth (?) a girl named Billie Clarke at Haileybury decided to invite a shed-load of people she didn't know to her 18th at a club in Hertford called Elbert Wurlings. Ween and a few of the others went along for the free booze. Ween drank quite a lot of booze. Ween was quite ill. Ween went to hospital escorted by Chris's Mum. Oh deary dear. There is a picture in the leavers book. Luke Molyneux also guilty I believe?

He was quite drunk at my 17th also. (Again there is proof)

(aside to self: I should really re-name this section on each profile 'Top 3 DRUNKEN anecdotes relating to X' - nearly all of them are alcohol related! Not quite sure what that says about us? Probably that we're a bunch of drunken, feckless, rampaging, loony idiots)

I am going to bunch every guitar solo he's ever done into this bit because they are immense, Alive comes to mind and Always on the Run - and I want to include in this bit random spontaneous renditions on acoustic. Rock on!

Currently: working for 'Polk' in St Albans doing computer wizardry. Living in Hatfield.

The M.U.N. gig in Bradby

good times....

good times....

Character Profiles - Part 7

Drew (James) or is it James (Drew)?

a.k.a. Dooooooo, Drew Pie, Raging Tosspiece

For those of you who have not yet met Drew, he is most definitely a law unto himself. A very flexible law though. One that can be bent and even broken. Drew began life as a free toy in a box of Sugar Puffs. He was raised by the evil kid from Toy Story until he lost all touch with reality and decided to attend Haileybury. Famously renowned for being fat (now thin), ginger (now a kind of bizarre blonde entity from the Fast Show 'suit you' sketches), and dopey (yep, that one still stands). Reciprocal hate of Pete when it comes to computer games. His house smells of wet dogs, mmmmm wet dogs. Did nothing at Haileybury.

Top 3 Anecdotes relating to Drew

My God where do I begin???

Lets start off with automobile accidents. He is known to have had at least 2, maybe 3 accidents. The most recent being on Xmas Day when he managed to flip his car into a field. Also once going round a roundabout he managed to spin and sort of go backwards at speed. Never get into a car with Drew. Ever.

He has been banned from (in order) Vodafone, Orange, O2, T Mobile, BT, The Prince Regent, Busty Brenda's House of Naughtiness, the United Kingdom, Goldeneye Interactive and Donkey Lovers Monthly. (the reason for all - not paying any money)

There was a period of about a week when everything he said was completely wrong. 'The England game's been cancelled' (it wasn't). 'Marno's given up guitar' (he hadn't). Jackie Brown's an 18 (which I'm sure it wasn't at the time but just looking at my DVD copy it says it is! He was right all along!!! Dammit)

Currently: Er... I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say living and working in Bournemouth. Inhaling copious amounts of naughty things via the medium of smoke.

Don't Panic.

Drew was wrong.

IMDB:

Phrases

A large part of any movement such as Badgerfest is based on insider lingo and phraseology. I will list a few here to start and perhaps people would care to add to it if they feel so inclined.

1. “Lambers”: general term used for large amounts of drink.

The origin of this is in my and Noj’s house in Haileybury – Edmonstone. Richard Lambert was a couple of years above us and made a reputation for himself by pretending to be a hardcore drinker. Often posing with empty bottles of vodka and crushing beer cans he was the stereotypical wannabe cool bloke who got drunk.

Use in a sentence:

“What are we up to this weekend?”

“Er… lambers.”

“Sweet.”

2. “Shall we do the off / Frank Bough / Chesty Cough / Franky J. Bough / Chesty Knocking Shop” (etc - variations on all the above)

Normally used in dining hall at the end of a meal, rhyming slang. Meant to signify that one is about to depart.

3. “You’re having a laugh / soapy bath (pronounced barf) / giraffe / soapy giraffe (etc – variations on all the above)

To express incredulity and again rhyming slang.

4. Blatant Ploys

Not quite sure how this one came about but it is a genius phrase. Meaning that it could be 'a good idea' eg 'that could be a blatant ploy'. Also Blatantly Covert Tactic.

Use in a sentence:

“What are we up to this weekend?”

“Er… blatant ploys.”

“Sweet.”

5. Flaming Hoon / Galaa / Bonzaburger Joint

Australian Soap humour (Home & Away / Neighbours). As in "Marno, you're a flaming hoon. And while you're there, get me a packet of flaming hoons". Yes.

6. "Boys from the Dwaarrrffff" / (also Boys from the Incre-blatant-ploy)

From Red Dwarf again, shake hands like a Mancunian. Meaning: Look at us, we are cool.

7. "Get Fernando to open it with his teeth"

Ok Im kind of straying into Haileybury folklore (a future topic) - this was Mr Bass (our deputy head) who during one Removes Latin lesson (Removes being the first year - 'removed' from primary school??? methinks) on observing that Wallace couldnt get his trunk in house open said 'get Fernando to open it with his teeth'. Fernando had fairly large teeth. Good old Fernando.

8. "Ah, there she is! (hiding in the undergrowth)

This one got to everybody. This was actually post-Haileybury at Govind's engagement bash. I was waiting for someone to come out of the toilet and when he did it was Jim Carter (see Comic Genius ; Melvill - one entry). As I was in the dark he said "Ah, there she is. Hiding in the undergrowth". Which must go down as one of the funniest lines of all time. Guess you had to be there. Or not.

9. "Bumptious": Word used to imply admiration of a young lady's posture.

I maintain that the the usurpation of this word was implemented during a viewing of the classic film 'Hackers', by myself and Dub in Tart's basement, at the point of Angelina Jolie's gratuitous unzipping of a jacket. No one else seems to remember this, possibly because they were out getting Lambered.

Use in a sentence:

"Mmmm Bumptious!"

"Indeed"

Related subjects: "Smuggling Peanuts"

And just to add to the foray, I shall give you an alternative term to king of shave's "smuggling peanuts"... and that is "Tokyo Radio"

Tokyo Radio: A term used in reference to the moment whereby a group of people happen to notice that one of their female number has gotten a little chilly and - coincidentally- has large nipples to boot. As a result of the little chill, the lady's outsized nipples morph into a "smuggling peanuts" formation, at which everybody else points and shouts "ahhh tokyo radio" in a faux japanese accent while simultaneously pretending to twist her large nipples in order to pick up Tokyo Radio waves.

The gist of this is that when a lady has large erect nipples they will be adequate enough to tune into radio waves travelling from the opposite side of the world.

Hello badgers..

Sorry been gone so long..i have been stuck in a box and nobody let me out..that was 5 months ago..i finally have some air and found a piece of old steak to munch on...

i like your definitive guide...very useful to realise where it all began!

dave..still not met him..still think he's a twat...i shall now call him 'twat-reamer' for no apparent reason.

p.s. i like owls

Character Profiles – Part 8

Marno (Nagtegaal)

a.k.a. Mango, Marnouth, Moonerath, Straggle, Straggleoth, Barn Owl

South African. Ladies Man. Lanky. Dopey. Straggly. Hallo Pa. All these spring to mind when you think of Marno. He has been one of the pivotal figures in the Badgerfest crowd, what with his and Tart’s study being our base for the whole Lower and Upper Sixth. He’s into Architecture. He’s into designing things. He likes a bit of golf. He lives in Cardiff. He has plans to turn his entire ground floor into an aquarium. Good luck with that one pal.

Top 3 Anecdotes related to Marno

He commands a fee of £50 for every book read.

Had to re-take his driving test having been disqualified for driving up that huge rampy bit in Stevenage at 212 miles per hour. There were police at the top who said something to the effect of "Slow down a tad sonny jim. Er... you're nicked."

He is ranked number 1 in the world E-bay spending charts. The chances are that you have something in your belonging which was at one time or another either bought or sold on ebay by Marno.

Currently: in year 5 (?) of university with another 2 (?) to go doing Product design. Living and studying in Cardiff.

Character Profiles - Part 9

Jonathan (Nendick)

a.k.a. Jonnyboy, Jonnyploy, Ploy

Jonnyboy was another one who started Haileybury in Colvin House, but then got switched to Kipling. He is an accomplished cello player, devoted cricket fan and general comedy genius. Having realised he and I had a fairly similar sense of humour (see below) we started writing joint e-mails to everyone full of random insane bollocks. Thus the original Badgerfest emails were spawned. Jonnyboy did a bit of Maths at Durham, before he realised he would much rather do History and Philosophy of Science at UCL. True story.

Top 3 Anecdotes related to Jonnyboy

My first memories of Jonnyboy are sitting in Bobby Brown's class talking complete rubbish and not paying any attention for the entire of GCSE German. So much so that we actually got moved apart. I got by far the worse deal. I had to sit at the front of the class on my own. And in a particularly cruel punishment, Jonnyboy went over and sat next to King and carried on talking complete rubbish! There is no justice.

The legendary suppers in dining hall were vintage Badgerfest and God only knows the amount of times I couldn't finish my meal due to pissing myself laughing. Normally King, Loren and sometimes Noj were the audience and tried to keep up with the level of comedy but most of the time just got very confused. If only we had had a dictaphone. They would have played it in documentaries about us in the future when we had achieved superstardom.

He came top in the Removes General Knowledge Quiz in 1994/95 and instantly identified himself to everyone as a clever-dick, goody goody, sucking up teacher's pet who needed clobbering.

Currently: working for KPMG in St Albans and living in Stevenage. He has a nice new Ford Focus as well. Yum yum.

More phrases that came up from last nights get together.

1. "Sheep, sheep, sheep, crocodile."

I am beginning to think only Ween Pie and myself know this one. It is a Fast Show sketch, Channel 9, and 2 shepherds are watching over their flock:

Shepherd 1: (pointing at the sheep) "Sheep, sheep, sheep... crocodile."
Shepherd 2: "Crocodile?"
Shepherd 1: "No, me joko!"
Both: "Ho ho ho ho!"
Shepherd 2: "Sheep, sheep, sheep... Archangel Gabriel."
Shepherd 1: "Archangel Gabriel? Tu joko?"
Shepherd 2: "No! Archangel Gabriel!"

And the Archangel Gabriel appears to speak to them... Guess you have to see it for it to be funny.

This one kept us laughing for literally YEARS.

2. "Cut Deal Bet Raise Fold"

Trying to figure out how to play poker so we could appear cool at my house, Drew swore he knew the rules and explained them to us (can anyone see the flaw in this plan?? Thats right - Drew is a muppet.)

Anyway, the outcome of it was we got completely confused about the order we had to do things, and in the end decided to just randomly shout CUT DEAL BET FOLD RAISE DEAL CUT FOLD DEAL RAISE BET FOLD CUT BET at each other which was a lot more fun and economical.

3. "McManaman for Spurs"

Invented by Will Ritchie (in my house at Haileybury) while playing football on Twenty Acre. Completely nonsensical as McManaman played for Liverpool at the time. Normally shouted at people while on a mazy run to get them to move out the way.

>> related subject: Davo Jamo's Cat Flap Ratio.

While watching England v France in Euro 2004 I complained about David James's appalling Catch versus Flap ratio (as in he didn't catch a lot) and everyone thought I said his Cat Flap ratio, which was of course a lot funnier. It prompted very deep ethical questions about just how many cat flaps David James has. And how proportional it was to the number of cats he may or may not own. Yes.

Character Profiles - Part 10

Since there is a conflict of interest here, I will do the honours.

Sam (Rossiter)

a.k.a. Sammyboy, Sampie, Dub

Sammyboy is foreign language maestro, cheap holiday obtainer extraordinaire and part-time funniest bloke alive. He was (and will be again) drummer in the legendary band known as Feedback, having learnt to play the skins in about five seconds flat.

Top 3 Anecdotes related to Sammyboy

Obviously, the whole Bobby Brown German lessons thing, the dinnertime hilarity and all other comedy goings on involve Sammyboy, but also…

Sammyboy had a wife at school. Anna Huxster accepted Dub’s hand in marriage at some point in the lower sixth. Divorce and bitter recriminations ensued but they are talking again.

Kirsten Elliot had a furious fetish for his earlobes. End of story.

(This one is courtesy of Weenpie) It happened on his birthday bash thing with lamb pie, as we came back heading towards Tart's house, Sammyboy had a rare case of ASBO like behaviour in pressing a random zebra crossing lights and yelling abuse.. as he does this, a cop car drives past and slows down to tell him to calm down... he does so in a "yes miss patterson" kind of way... they then drive off, and he shouts out "W4NKERS!" very loud.
They then stop again and asked if he'd care to repeat what he said.
His answer was of course, "no"...

We're then walking down the road with the white horse on it. (castle
st?) and sam is again, yelling and shouting the odds. and the cop car drives past the end of the road and puts on the blue lights. We then run, down the nearest alley for some unknown reason. I think Ed Banks and Pete Jerman were with us too. at which point the cop car drives down the alley where they were hiding and pulls up right next to them...

A simple gentlemans "nod of the head"... and they're on their way...

Its a close as he'll come to "a run in with the po po" but I've cracked up everytime I thought of it.

Currently serving out his notice at work in Hertford before starting spangly new job in London (woo hoo Sammyboy!).

Twas the night of Noj's Circle Line Pub Crawl


Slag

At the end of Haileybury we also had a Leaver's Book which was put together by someone with far too much time on their hands.

Just looking through it today, it was interesting to see some people's Career Plans section:

Loren: "To do something that I enjoy and make money"

Pete: "Professional Free Diver, TV Narrator, Physicist"

Bowl: "Musician?"

Noj: "Earn enough while possible mucking about with computers"

Gov: "Escort Service"

Ween: "Rock & Roll"

Drew: "Become incredibly rich by 28"

Marno: "Architecture in Cardiff"

Jonnyboy: "Get a good job"

Me: "Work in Europe (France/Germany) possibly in Media"

King: "... God knows..."

Tart: "To have a good one"

Dan: "Software Engineering Industry (hence become insanely wealthy)"

Williams: "Software Engineering"

But also some other classics I found while rooting around...

Dave: "To be a famous & successful singer/songwriter"

Jim Carter: "Art History Degree - Art Dealer & Casino Manager - Publican & Village Idiot"

Chuff: "Stalk Anthea Turner"

Nicole Miller: "Marry a Larma Garma from Mexico & drink Tea"

Tom Burridge: "A phat job with loads of dollar"

We were all so young and stupid

Also, who has that film of photos we took to put in the leavers book. one with us in front of dining hall, one with us doing noj's action pose, one bowing down to king etc?

Who has them?? i will pay good money for the negatives as they are genius photos.

I have them.

Ha ha!

Character Profiles - Part 11

Michael (Simonds)

a.k.a. King, Kingol, Kingsley, King Ding-a-Ling, Mike, Mikeyboy

King was born in the 'K' section of the Bodleian Library. He has lots of elbows and knees. He only has one book left to read in the entire world which is Fly Fishing by Jan McGranahan. Also a budding John Peel, Mike was the first to alert us to (among others) Stereophonics (when they were good), Soulwax, The Darkness, Everclear etc I could go on. In Trevelyan with quite a few of the Badgerfest crowd at Haileybury, he went on to do Maths at the Imperial Storm Troopers Academy.

Top 3 Anecdotes related to Mike

I remember his Eddie Izzard giraffe impression across Twenty Acre with fondness.

Who can forget the legendary crowd-surf at the Rock Concert? Carried out of Big School by 3 people!

Doing the "WAR! HUH! What is it good for, absolutely nothing" dance with me and Loren in Trev. The world of choreography is screaming out for people like him.

(I would insert a drunken anecdote here but I cant remember Mike often getting plastered - suggestions welcome)

Currently: working in research as far as I can remember. The company name escapes me but I'm sure Mikeyboy will fill us in. I believe he is getting paid 'a load of phat dollar' or whatever Tom Burridge would say.

Ahh the War-dance; happy days. I do believe we had the audience helpless with laughter.

I work in flour nowadays and do indeed get paid a load of phat dough...ok so I work for a construction management company called Fluor but it's almost the same thing.

Haileybury folklore, stories we have recounted, people who went bonkers.

There follows a new strand to this thread (?) involving stories or people which crop up with alarming regularity which outsiders may get confused by (which is after all the original purpose of this thread). Jennie, Em, Rosie etc are you paying attention?

Sevastopolou and The Bomb

There was a guy called Mark Sevastopolou who was in the same house as Dave, he was a bit weird.
He was fed up with the porter opening his post I think (definition of porter: general mailman/keeper of keys etc - see also porters lodge: where the porter stood telling people to tuck their shirts in. There was a fat one and a thin one. Both tossers) Anyway, he decided it would be a great idea to send the porter a letter which looked and felt like a letter bomb. He was expelled on the spot.

SWIFT

During our final year there was a general campaign of anarchy, mainly orchestrated by the toffy nosed rugby clique (Usher Smith, Proctor etc) who wanted to rebel against the establishment and in particular Mr Westley the Head Master. The anagram SWIFT stands for Stuart Westley is a Fat Twat. Which was of course subversive, anarchic and hilarious. The campaign manifested itself in several ways. Cryptic banners being hung up. Food fights. Chalk outlines on the floor. A huge banner being unfurled behind him in assembly. What larks Pip.

Mr Monk's Covert Ops

The housemaster of Trevelyan was Mr Monk. He was in Iraq during or just after the war because he is a bit good. Military background etc. Anyway, his sternest test ever was being on duty during Supper. We used to joke that he treated Supper Duty as he would a covert mission in Baghdad. One minute he was calmly strolling around the other side of dining hall, next minute he would pop up 5 yards away like a trained assassin.

Malcolm's Technology Project

Other people recount this better than I do because I was not there. However, during A-level various people doing Technology did projects. Robots, machines, I think Williams built a space rocket which landed on Mars and collected data. Anyway Malcolm devised a little wooden box which was meant to make noises when you pressed buttons. I crack up every time I hear it. It was meant to be a story book, and people could choose where they wanted the story to go by inserting key cards. Suffice to say none of it worked and he ended up with a wooden box which bleeped occasionally. Genius.

so, were you in a school or an asylum?

Character Profiles - Part 12

Christopher (Walker)

a.k.a. Tart, Lamney Tart, Chris, Christoph

Tart (see nicknames) has always been a cornerstone of the Badgerfest movement. It could well be said that the small TV room in Tart's house is the spiritual home of Badgerfest. Many an hour has been spent in there, playing computer games, watching films, drinking and generally messing about. I have a strong attachment to his fridge. Again the double study with Marno in Upper Sixth seemed to be Badgerfest HQ for a bit. Likes putting computers together and taking them apart in the style of the A-Team, i.e. from random metallic objects which he nicks from the back of lorries. Dartmouth week I will come onto in a later chapter.

Top 3 Anecdotes related to Chris:

Piercings: ones that look particularly painful, e.g. through the bridge of the nose, nipple (i think) are the visible ones. Ouch. The spoon through his left foot was interesting.

Blockbuster: for a while Tart worked in Blockbuster in Hertford where he had a very cushy relationship with the Indian restaurant next door. Mmm videos.

Skiing/Surfing/Skateboarding/Tony Hawks/Knees: He enjoys all of these. He went skiing for a bit and buggered his knee up. Silly man.

Currently: living and working in Exeter with Rosie (and Jim... hahaha!)

On the anecdote front i felt some should be noted - king has been pissed - learning to tango on the top of pete's garage comes back to haunt me in the darker moments of the night.

also to further chris' pearving law it should be noted that soon after the bolt in the head was inserted he was strolling into hertford and two lovely young girls (nb friends of mine who had know him since he was about 10) crossed top the other side of the road to avoid the scary undesirable before realising that the scary undesirable was in fact well.. just that but they knew him and he probably wasnt going to mug him.

There was that night I invented teleportation; top of concrete stairs to heap on the floor and asleep in bathroom to waking in lounge. If only science had been watching The Night of the Pool Table of Beer.

Kat has returned!

What is pearving?

Only joking. I knew you meant piercing but its a long time since you pofted and I'm a rufty bit schnargle schnargle.