How I laughed

For anyone who wants to know what Ramos is up to these days

Is he a bit of a nob then? he was gate crashing after all. Unlawful trespass and all that....

This story I found particularly incredible

14 holes in one

Kinda does make you wonder doesn't it? What was that film about the really lucky guy (and/or really unlucky guy?).

Main actor had Big Hair - I'm sure he was also in that classic "See no Evil, Hear no Evil".

To mark territory, hippos spin their tails while defecating to
distribute their excrement over the greatest possible area.

Received in an e-mail today:



Raised a smile.

I found this article interesting. So there.

Anyone else noticed that the badgerfest banner on the badgerfest remix skin appears to be melting?

Looks alright to me...

It looks alright to me now too. It may have been because I was connected via a 3G card previously and it wasn't downloading pictures in full detail. Or it could have been that tab of LSD I had with breakfast this morning.

Jon - take of your beowulf 3d glasses.
there you go!

I like looking at the 'last click' function on badgerfest to spy on what all the rest of you punks are doing when you are online. I just used it again and King was viewing 'Films' and some unknown guest was 'Printing a topic'. Is some outsider stealing our material? I demand an enquiry!

This is an outrage, I shall get that shami chakribhati on yo ass!!

A Message from John Cleese

"Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A."


To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Use of the word 'awesome' is hereby prohibited.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of - ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

yo yo,

I have decided to post this thought on this page, as it is random and maybe shite.

But, I know that some of you are following the US elections and will probably have been near to laughing whenever you hear hockey mum, joe-six pack, moose shooting VP candidate for the blue team Mrs Palin speaking to journalists and being quoted in the media.

I switched on the news this morning and saw a bit of her speech at a recent rally in which she basically said that Obama was cavorting around with terrorists!! And then the crowd whooped and hollered like US crowds always do.

Surely that is pretty libellous, and if this wasn't an election speech, but a newspaper article, shouldn't she be hoiked into court for defamation of character and the like??

what a good place to put your thoughts, i also blab shite on a frequent basis, although i think you have made a good point. I expect that it is libelous and she could well be sued, but the damage is done - so a very effective libelous poke at Mr O I should imagine. I saw that he put his knife in today about McCain's involvement in a financial scandal HERE

I'd like all the candidates to lose this election.

I would just like to point out that Natalie Imbruglia is still ridiculously hot.

Have a look. Don't worry, it's safe for work, although it might mark you down as some kind of Heat-reading weirdo. I'm not going to bother to explain how I ended up on this page as there's no guarantee that you'd either a) believe me, or b) care.

I would be interested in a discussion on the continued descent into lowbrow-ness of the Daily Telegraph, or the 'Maily Telegraph' as Private Eye are calling it these days. It's troubling me somewhat, as very soon the crossword will be the only thing that I buy it for (it's already 80% of the reason that I buy it).

Having said that, if it means more pictures of Natalie Imbruglia then they can transform it into the Daily Star for all I care.

Edit: You may need to skip through the photos in the link to get to the right one as I think they add to the list over time.

I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown cum violent seizure...they're killing off Batman.

The Bat will DIE

I am now officially in mourning.

Noj - have you seen this? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Today I have been mostly watching the 'Text 118118' live feed.

Oh, and don't panic Gov. He'll be back - they always come back. No one ever properly dies in comics.

Holy crap, the bat can't die. Blasphemy I tell you, blasphemy!!!!!

I hope so buddy. For this batty-bat-fan's dicky ticker, you better hope so too...

They're saying that its blatantly to cash in on the popularity of the dude, but if they put Robin in his shoes, Im going to bat barf over everything in sight!

mmm, I certainly agree, ms umbreglia is a lovely lady.

On a kind of related note, I was watching some tv documentary, and saw this clip of Delia Smith in her early days on tv. It must have been the mid eighties, as she had some crazy blue dungarees on, a bob haircut and looked very young. So young in fact, that I found her very much a tasty sort!

Anyway, I was initially a bit shocked, but then they showed her as she is now, and i had more normal feelings towards her.

So to clarify, Delia Smith is NOT rediculously hot any more. Well for me anyway. I'm sure she is very sad about this.

Speaking of women with bob cuts, she might have been a flapper don' t you know?

This definition on Wikipedia had me in splits. To be filed under the definitions of 'my kinda gal' section...Rosie - I'd like your thoughts please...

The Flapper

Potentially good news for Pedro's pride.

I think the word 'flapper' has been replaced with the 21st century term 'slapper'.

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I have designed some furniture. It was just assembled. I am very pleased with it. I would like you to be too.

[attachmentid=353]

[attachmentid=355]

Yes...I have filed this post correctly...

Govi *

Marge simpson on the cover of Playboy?

Did you lot catch this? Is anyone else getting a copy - I MUST!

Marge+Playboy

Jon, what's meetyourmessenger and why does it keep sending me e-mails?

No idea and no idea.

It's probably something someone sent to me and I blindly signed up for and then forgot about. I will look into it and kill it if necessary.

It appears to be a really crap Facebook wannabe. I have no idea why it is emailing you - I certainly haven't ever told it to. I have deleted all knowledge of me from it so hopefully that will stop the spam. Apologies.

No worries; from some light research it appears that the agreement you accept when you sign on gives it permission to spam your contacts.

It did send me a lovely picture of you though so that's alright.

You know, I've been trying to place this really uncomfortable feeling I've been having recently; the sort of feeling that something in this world is not right - the natural order has been upset. Spurs scoring 9 goals in one match I think has firmly identified its origins...

Empire have responded with alacrity to the news of Wossy's departure from the BBC by preparing a list of possible replacements.

I would love to see Kermode bringing his rants to late night telly and would be overjoyed if Charlie Brooker did it but my favourite choice (I think) would be Adam & Joe. Unfortunately I can really see James King doing it instead...

What has Darren Gough done to offend Empire?

As an aside I competed in a sort of skate/orienteering exercise/art installation on Saturday a.k.a Speed of Reaction in which we used a GPS enabled phone to find 4 stations with QR Codes that gave you a photo task and the post code of the next location. Points were than awarded for ingenuity of photos, completing within 2hrs 10 mins, finding a fake QR code and providing your best artistic photo. Basically I had fun skating round an area of London I've not been before and somehow managed to win the competition. The prize? Umm...kudos?

I think the masterstroke was interpreting the rules to mean our artistic photo didn't have to be one of the ones submitted at a station but just a random one we posed in a big X somewhere. (Check the Speed of Reaction website for the pics if interested.)

Didn't understand a word of that. Cool photo though - kudos indeed.

To be honest I didn't understand much of the evening myself but I skated hither and thither and clocked the photo opportunity when it came and had some fun so...

British Politics and Crowd Sourcing for the election - birre

Crowdsourcing UK politics

And has anyone checked out www.mydavidcameron.com? thoughts please

Re: www.mydavidcameron.com.

I think most of it is lazy inverted snobbery, and unfortunately therefore reflects a large portion of the British public's opinion on Cameron (i.e. "he went to Eton, therefore he must be a clueless toff, and that's as deeply as I'm going to think about the issue").

However, there are two things raised by the site which I agree are areas of concern:

1) George Osborne. To me he is the weak link in the Tory front bench. I simply don't believe that he fully knows what he's talking about and I do worry about him as Chancellor. I'd rather they got rid and put William Hague and Ken Clark front and centre, but what do I know?

2) What a Tory government would do to the BBC. I am full of dread about this.

Re: crowd-sourcing ads:

This is an interesting idea, but in reality the results you're going to get are likely to be smug and snarky which probably isn't going to work as an election campaign strategy.

On a side note, the poster in the article comparing Cameron's qualifications to Brown's is hilarious, but not for the reason the person who came up with it thinks.

King - nice one on winning that photo comp! Isn't that the second you've won now? =)

Not that I recall...

or you did rather well in a Fforde one.

Oh yeah...honourable mention. For which I also won absolutely nothing.

As requested by Tart, transcript of text conversation between me and Dan last night (inspired by comments at dinner)

SR: Have you ever done a spit roast?
DW: No but I ear its better to be the one at the back...
SR: I mean on your firepit!
DW: Oh! no but id love to. was actually talking to a professional spit roaster yesterday! why?
SR: Are you a Jedi?
DW: According to the last census...no. But many do think I am so dont feel bad

MS: Do you remember Teabag and the Christmas Ding-Dong?
DW: Ahah! I thought you would be involved in this simmonds (sic)! What is this? a fest gathering without me? who is responsible?

Trust you guys to spread my private life around the interwab! That's the last time im cyber-txting you! Sob.

And I'd never heard of the Ding-Dong but just watched it. Trippy stuff.

You are not alone: Drew managed to silence the table with that particular nugget.

Sometimes the world is great:



http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/10333211.stm