3.5 is quite respectable I thought; good, good enough to remember phrases and scenes, but not good enough for me to want to own it or go out of my way to see it again. I just found it a bit squirmy in places and this I don't like.
Just think of it this way; I don't think The Office/LoG/Spongebob etc. are particularly funny. I'm just strange like that.

Spongebob
OK but I don't really dig the square-panted one.
2.5/5

Team America World Police
Could they lay it on any thicker? Puppet sex is as good as it gets.
2/5

Kung Fu Hustle

The tale of a feckless scrounger (Steven Chow) who brings trouble to the residents of Pig Sty alley by impersonating a member of the imfamous 'Axe Gang'. When faced with danger, a surprising number of the previously too poor to notice residents turn out to be Kung Fu masters. Can the idiot ingratiate himself with the Axe Gang or does his destiny lie elsewhere?
If you've seen Chow's past efforts, including Shaolin Soccoer, then you'll easily recognise his brand of not-entirely-serious action. This includes some stunning martial arts mixed with some determinedly obvious CG, a sequence inspired by Wile E Coyote and Road Runner being a cse in point. The plot is easily entertaining enough for its run-time and while the acting gets a bit dramatic at points there's easily more quality there than many other genre examples. It's also fun to try and spot all the film references included; as well as stuff only Hong Kong Film fans will notice, there are Bruce Leeisms from Enter the Dragon, a corridor awash with blood and many, many black-suited figures attack a solitary fighter. Not to mention the presence of one of the kung fu schoolgirls from Man with the Golden Gun.
Fantastic.
4/5

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

The story of Harry (Robert Downey Jnr), a petty criminal who suddenly finds himself thrust into the Hollywood set in LA, and private detective Gay Perry (Val Kilmer) as they set about solving a mystery or two and shooting a few people along the way. Suffice to say the plot is sufficiently complex that this is the best summary I can do.

Downey Jnr is fantastic as the slightly out-of-it criminal/actor and Kilmer is brilliant as a not too camp gay detective. The best part is the narrative by Downey Jnr throughout as he forgets bits, remembers bits and jokes with the audience. Think Big Lebowski mixed with Pulp Fiction.

Excellent film, and Michelle Monaghan is absolutely stunning as the leading lady Harmony.

4/5

Go and see it now. No NOW! Bye bye.

Flightplan.

Whilst flying her newly dead husband's casket back to the States from Germany, Jodie Foster loses her daughter. No one else on the plane believes that the kid was ever on board. Fortunately, Foster's character had a hand in the development of the new airliner they are travelling on and so is able to crawl around tunnels creating havoc in order to try to find the little girl. Cue red herrings a-plenty as we try to work out whether she is imagining the whole thing or whether there really is some conspiracy on board.

The film is well acted, and holds your attention for most of the time. Foster is good, especially when she truly starts whupping ass. Also good are Sean Bean as the captain and Peter Saarsgard as the quite incredibly unsympathetic US Marshall on board. However, I couldn't help feeling I'd seen it all before and there are holes in the plot that you could fly a jumbo jet through. The denouement is disappointing, with much left unexplained.

3/5

What?

2/5?

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ

Team America is quality. The puppet sex and Kim Jong Il singing 'I'm So Ronery' make it easily a 4/5 on their own.

Lines such as

'Wow, a flying limousine. Now I really have seen everything.'
'Oh really, have you seen a man eat his own head?'
'No'
'Then you haven't seen everything.'

and the whole pussies, dicks and assholes speech raise it even higher.

Shame on you King.

HP & TGOF

Daniel Radcliffe returns for his fourth outing as HP Sauce. The GOF is seen by many as the best book in the series and I would not argue with that.

The film is ok, the problem being trying to cram so much action in (remember how big the book was?) while still retaining a bit of storyline and hold the suspense. This one seems to focus much more on HP himself, with not as much screen time for his counterparts Weasley and Grainger. Weasley reminds me more and more of Drew as these films go on. He's a bit dopey, a ginger and is friends with a far more intelligent, heroic dark-haired bespectacled boy. Hmmm.

The action sequences are top notch. The three Triwizard tasks (the dragon with the golden egg, the mermaids and the maze at the end) are all fantastically executed. The love story between HP/Cho Chang, Grainger/Krum, etc are a bit forced and dont really work that well.

My major worry though is the lack of any Quidditch. You get to see a lot of the build up to the World Cup at the beginning and the festival atmosphere but you get to see precisely zero Quidditch. Boo Hiss. It doesn't really matter though because there is so much other stuff going on. Feinnes is good as You-Know-Who and Mad Eye Moody is pretty funny and insane as well.

Worth a watch but not quite as well done as the film version of Prisoner of Azkaban.

3/5

Go and see KKBB instead

I believe I had this conversation last week; I don't find it funny. Any of it. OK looking back at it 'Bring in the panthers' is funny, especially when you descibe it to someone, but I barely even smiled while it was happening. Except perhaps at Matt Damon. But that's not the point; comedies are supposed to make you laugh, if they don't they've failed, I like most SP stuff but here there was too many little digs and oral sex jokes, and the pussies & dicks 'joke' went on too long...like the rest of it.

I also dislike A Mighty Wind et al, The Office, Alan Partridge, Brass Eye, Spongebob and Will Ferrell.

It's OK; I'm quite content to sulk in the corner watching endless re-runs of Spaced.

Don't ever speak to me again.

Hmm we need a :salute: smilie.

Constantine
John Constantine is a laconic, uncivil, chain-smoking Scouser Los Angelite who can see the things most can not. He dedicates his life to banishing those beings that 'break the rule' but when he stops a soldier demon crawling onto this plain through a small girl he figures something more than the usual shit is going down.

I actually quite enjoyed this film; the world through which Keanu 'Woah' Reeves stalks, hunting down miscreants in order to buy his way into heaven, is dark, menacing and slightly windy. Nothing new perhaps but distinctly 'Hellraiser' (the comics on which the film is based). In fact the film's strength is it's source material; the plot, characterisation and general dirty feel are all lifted wholesale. Unfortunately so is some of the acting: Keanu is as convincing as ever and Rachel Weiss appears to be concentrating more on her accent than trying to act. Watch out, however, for Tilda Swinton (playing Gabrielle) being punched for the first time ever. It is worth seeing the film simply for the expression on her face.

3/5 Marks off for the gum.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zizou

The film follows Bill Murray, as the titular Zizou, and his documentary film making crew (plus a possible son, a pregnant English reporter, a bond company stooge and a group of interns...it's that kind of film) as they hunt down the shark that supposedly ate his friend. As the tale progresses we get to know the flawed but loved man behind the image of oceanographic hero and find out why his crew follow him. There are also pirates.

I wasn't really feeling the film to begin with; Bill Murray's character isn't very sympathetic and he generally mopes around complaining he hasn't had a 'hit' doc in 9 years. However, once the action moves to the Bellefonte, the WWII ship in which he sails, and we receive a tour through what is quite clearly a set of a ship cut in half, Zizou's flaws and his passion for his ship and all that sail in her begin to balance. An audience is invited into a not-quite-real world, inhabited by stop motion sea creatures and pirates who watch documentaries in an abandoned hotel, a Wes Anderson world in fact. If you can go with it then the film is one of those quiet pleasures, despite the gun battles.
4/5

Hitch
Rom-Com Does Exactly What it Says on the Tin.
Will is aimiable, guy from 'King of Queens' is goofy, women are attractive. Everyone gets it together. Nuff said.
3/5

Dear Kingsley,

Constantine - Agree
Life Aquatic - Havent seen and need to see pronto
Hitch - Disagree, Abysmally toss, 1/5

Sammyboy

Ok 3 might have been a touch generous but I was feeling mellow. It's better than Wild Wild West.

Narnia:

mouldy cheese.

It started well, but about half-way they started the cheese-a-thon...

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zizou
Fucking fantastic! I loved this movie, top class Murray as ever...

SO far the most underated film of the year has to be Crash. It was amazing, and pointful, and had no publicity !? but it's a corker if you get the chance.

Etre et Avoir (To Be & To Have)
A documentary following the final year of a teacher in a small rural village in France.
A quiet film, full of lingering shots of cows and kids thinking, that is more about the little nothings that make up life than the French school system. In fact it's not about the school at all, the film has at its heart the kids' start towards adulthood and the teacher who gently steers the way.
A perfect film to watch if you feel like some peace, it would be easy to let it all simply wash over. If you want to understand what's going on however, you'll have to concentrate or learn French first.
3.4/5

Insomnia
Kate Nulligan is Al Pacino and she's not lying down for anyone.
Atmospheric but boring.
2.2/5

No one done Kong yet? Christ wept on a bike...

KING KONG

Well a review seems slightly pointless as I'm sure everyone has seen it by now and all agrees on the same two principles.

1. It's fecking ACE

2. It's a bit long

Summary of plot for those of you cretins who are unaware of the Kong (where have you been - Mars?)

Struggling Director bundles a load of cast and crew onto a boat to make a film. Land on bizarre island. 25ft gorilla appears and snatches leading lady. Rescue mission by the rest. Dinosaurs show up and have a bit of a barney with aforementioned gorilla. Gorilla falls in love with girl. Maniac director decides to trap gorilla and take it back to the Big Apple. Gorilla strung up on stage in the theatre. Escapes. Goes ballistic. Climbs up tower. Twats a few planes about. The End.

Pretty darn good.

4/5

What happened to the bike?

The Constant Gardener
The film based on John Le Carre's tale of a Britsh Diplomat's polite investigations into the murder of his wife thereby uncovering dodgy dealings by pharma companies in Kenya.
Ralph Fiennes is perfectly cast as the effacing yet dogged Englishman who will not stop digging and is matched by Rachel Weiz's lively, deceased yet ever present wife. The photography is great; catching the light and squalor of Kenya in such a way as to showsome of the attraction of the dark continent.
The story is a touch rushed at the end and features Pete Postlethwaite as the world's first York African but I think my main problem lies with having read the book; Le Carre's writing, as well constructed as it is, doesn't really touch me and neither did the film; and though the film is a worthy adaptation of the book I'm not sure I would have fully understood the characters' motivations if I hadn't read them first.
3/5

I do agree that the ending was perhaps a bit more rushed than the rest of the film and I therefore became a bit more distant from the storyline but even though I haven't read the book, I disagree with King's observations about the character. I felt that - whats his face..the one from the english patient...can't remember his name even though i've just read it...gave a good performance of a polite but subtly steely character and I understood that his motivations were largely focused on love not politics or money from very early on.

I'd give it a 3.99999999 out of 5.

Haven't seen the film or read the book yet, but I have to disagree with King's view of Le Carre's writing. It certainly has a somewhat cold style to it, but I think this helps to increase the emotional impact of key moments in his books. I found the character of George Smiley emotionally complex, passionate even, and I thought that there were genuinely moving episodes in that series of books. Le Carre reminds me of Graham Greene - political writing with a completely human core.

Oh, and I completely agree with Sampie - Kong was both long and ace. The scene on the ice is worth the entrance fee alone. In fact, once the film gets to New York it becomes a work of genius. Jackson's period recreation of the Big Apple is completely stunning and some of the shots towards the end of the film are still blowing my mind.

And Naomi Watts is a proper movie star. She looks iconic in this film.

Yeah well I knew you'd have a problem with my Le Carre analyis Jon; I'm sure he does it on purpose and includes all the stuff you said but if he does it's all too subtle for me. I'll get round to Smiley one day no doubt.
I understood that 'whats his face..the one from the english patient...can't remember his name even though i've just read it' was driven by his sense of having failed his wife, betrayed her by even considering that she may have betrayed him, his sense that he must make it all up for love but I'm still not sure I would have understood it form the film alone. And I'm certain I don't know why he...spoilers...at the end. What's the point? I mean I know the point but the film didn't really offer motivation. Maybe it was just being too subtle for me.

Yeah, sorry King, I seem to be disagreeing with you quite a lot recently. It's not that I particularly enjoy disagreeing with you, just that I prefer writing about disagreeing with someone than agreeing with someone. There's not that much to say if you agree with someone except 'I agree' is there?

For my part, I knew that you'd know that I was going to disagree with you - but you probably know that I knew that you'd know I would.

I agree

Aeon Flux
Pretty, vacant.
2.5/5

MUNICH

The Plot: Based on real events, in the 1972 Olympics, Arab terrorists from the group known as Black September kidnapped and then killed 11 members of the Israeli team. As retribution for this a team are put together to assassinate various members of the Black September hierarchy.

The Verdict: This is overall a very good, serious film. Eric Bana is convincing in the lead role and has a good supporting cast including Geoffrey Rush, Daniel Craig and Matthieu Kassovitz. There are a couple of quibbles I have with it. Firstly Spielberg feels the need to have stereotypical landmarks to denote where the action is taking place. The action does move from city to city, but you really dont need the Paris scene filmed entirely in front of the Eiffel Tower, and the London scene full of black cabs, red post boxes and lots of rain. I kinda thought Spielberg would be above that. However this is a minor irritation compared to the action as a whole. It starts off a bit slow but when they start to nail their targets it gets a lot more interesting. The relationship with the French outside source is good too as it keeps you guessing as to whose side they're on.

Worth a watch

7/10

Jarhead

This film is top notch. I've heard some imbecile's slate it because theres not enough "shootin' 'n' killin' 'n' fightin' 'n' all", this that really isn't the point. Has some great black comedy and JG is damn good once again, as is Jamie Foxx.

Haven't read the book, but think I might as it's bound to be entertaining.

9/10 badger's agreed their whites were whiter with Jarhead.

Factotum

I love films like this. Very little happens the whole way through but you're hooked anyway. Also I do like Matt Dillon playing this part.

Slow comedy about a man losing a lot of jobs and generally not going anywhere. Well worth a butcher's.

7.5/10 "I'd buy that for a dollar".

Brokeback Mountain

Gay Cowboys and no pudding. I thought that was gonna be the end of this film for me but if fact it was very good. Slow moving, might not have needed to be over 2 hours but it does span decades.

Story of 2 cowboys who meet one summer when they're both hired to guard a bunch of sheep on brokeback mountain. One cold and drunken night, they get it on. This leads their relationship growing over the course of their time on brokeback. After the summer they go their sepearate ways. both marry and both have kids, but they still see each other every so often, and go "fishing" up on Brokeback.

Can see why its "nominated" but despite enjoying watching it and appreciating that it was very good, I'm not sure I'd ever watch it again.

7/10 Cartman: "No dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding."

Yeah Jarhead and Brokeback mountain - JG double Whammy and you get to see his bum in both of them....I suppose it's only the gay cowboys amongst you and perhaps the ladies which may be interested in that comment. Yeah Factototum is good too but I don't rate MD's bum as highly as JG's or HL's for that fact.

I'm kind of interested in this new way of reviewing films depending on the quality of bum. I have to say my nomination (and almost certainly Jonnyboy's) would be Scarlett Johansson and the opening shot of Lost in Translation. Good bum there.
Other nominations please (male or female) for Best Arse in a Supporting Role.

How about Ms Beckensale in Evolution? In the words of Jonathan Ross when asked what he thought of the film “She really has a very shiny bum.” I like to think he was using the Firefly vernacular (shiny = good).

Pierce Brosnan in the "staircase" scene of The Thomas Crown Affair - bottom nicely contrasting with the marble.

Scarlett Johansson's bum is so good it risks ending this conversation prematurely, but if we discount her eye-wateringly attractive rear, then I might be able to come up with some candidates for 2nd place. I'll need to think about it.

Yes gentleman, i agree with the Johanssen choice - voluptuous is good, well done, however Beckinsale is disallowed - ropey and scrawny, hollywood permatan and you know those buttocks are botox'd!

Ooh ooh ooh... Rachel Weisz's bum in pretty much any film she's been in. The one that sticks in my mind though is Enemy At The Gates because, you just get a tantalising glimpse.

Mmm...yum yum.

Before I start this review I would like to plug MARK KERMODE'S FILM REVIEWS. They are every Friday at 3pm on Radio Five with Simon Mayo. However in the new era of the PODCAST (don't start all that again) you can of course download it from the BBC website, iTunes, or if you know anything about computers some random site called KRANGLEDANG or something where no doubt you can get it free and seven hundred times quicker. He is a great reviewer and worth tuning into just to hear him slag off cack movies (eg Derailed with Jennifer Aniston)

Mission for PETE!!!: Pedro, try and find a film review by MARK KERMODE of Star Wars II - Attack of the Clones. I'm sure its out there somewhere. I remember hearing it a couple of years ago and its fantastic.

Anyway...

A COCK AND BULL STORY

Plot: An attempt to make a film of the book 'the Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy' which is apparently 'unfilmable'.

Verdict: I went to see this film based solely on Mark Kermode's (see above) assertion that is was fantastic and already a contender for best film of the year.
Weeellllll... its not THAT good but there are a lot of funny bits.
Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon are great as the principle actors (Rob Brydon steals the show) playing the characters from the book but also playing themselves in a sort of behind the scenes documentary. It skips all over the shop (like the book) and a lot of close to the mark stuff with Coogan parodying his real life.

Its worth watching but quite honestly they might as well have just had Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon just chatting for an hour and a half like they do in the end credits. Rob Brydon's impressions of Alan Partridge are the best bit. There wasn't really any need for the Tristram Shandy nonsense.

6/10

I watched The Aristocrats again; still amusing but not as funny on your own in your room as with lots of large Americans in Boston. Anyway I insist someone acquires a copy somehow and puts it on at the next gathering; I promise you'll all end up wet somehow.

I really thought you'd said that you'd watched The Aristocats again. (Disney film about cats in Paris.)

People should watch that...it's good. The song I remember from it is 'Scales and Arpeggios'.


Film reviews:

Underworld Evolution - Crap.

Doom - Mega-crap.

The Aristocats does get several mentions but you really don't want to make that mistake while baby-sitting your cousins. There may be questions.

Bad Boys II

I've always had a soft spot for Bad Boys; ok so the plot was nonsensical and the characterisation non-existent but it was fun and had lots of loud noises and pretty explosions.
As for Bad Boys II the plot was non-existent and the characterisation nonsensical but it was fun and had lots of loud explosions and pretty noises. I quite enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong; it ain't the best action film out there (I doubt it's even the best Bad Boys film out there) but if you're happy that two cops could get away with destroying half of Miami (without killing any innocents) and invading Cuba, just to catch one bad guy , then you could enjoy the film too. At least no-one puts on their sunglasses in close-up and stare into the distance whilst saying profound things.
1/5 Artistic Merit (+2 If you enjoy Bad Boys)

I object king, I really do!

More importantly; where did you get that awesome av? Someone has been stealing my thoughts again; My Profile

This is the result of an afternoon at the office, when I really should have been doing something else, like work!

Jarhead
The based on the auto-biographical book of the same name, this film tells of Anthony 'Swoff' Swofford's (Jake Gyllenwotsit) time as a marine in the (first) Gulf War. As a member of the STA section (Surveillance and Target Acquisition (snipers)) he expects to see some action but mainly all he sees is sand...
If this film set out to demonstrate the fate of the modern soldier; trained, indoctrinated, eager to kill, yet left to molder while the bombs do the work then it really cannot be faulted.
Jake Gyllenhall's Swoff is watchable but his motivations are left essentially hazy; you're never sure if he's really into the Marine stuff or just an observer. Peter Saarsgard, however, is great as a guy who just lives for 'the suck' as they call their lot; he frustration at the lack of killing is great. Jaimie Foxx is also good.
Swoff and his buddies are shown dispassionately as they go through Half Metal Jacket training, get shipped out to Iraq, hydrate, play football in biohazard suits, hydrate, wander out to see the oil wells burn, hydrate again and then go home. All very entertaining but what's the point? The film is so dispassionate that I was left feeling entertained but puzzled at the lack of comment. It seems Sam Mendes has nothing to say about war apart from Marines like it. In fact the only scene which has any sort of point to it appears to be one where Apocalypse Now's 'message' is lost on the troops as they whoop and sing along to 'Ride of the Valkeries'.

I'm not sure if that all tracks...I'll come back to it.

Entertaining but empty...like a Jar.
3/5 (4 if you're willing to watch it like a Bruckheimer movie)

What a quality idea - I might start adding a second 'what if you watched it like it was a Bruckheimer movie' rating at the end of my reviews. Obviously actual Jerry Bruckheimer movies would do very well under this system (Top Gun would be the best film ever (not that it isn't close under the normal system)). Lost In Translation would get about 0.5/5 (the half a point being for the bit where the shopkeeper shoots at them with that cap gun and they throw a bottle back).

This could start a whole new genre of film reviews where we start trying to work out what Saw 2 would have been like if you had gone into the cinema expecting to see a Woody Allen film.

LOL

But you knew exactly what I meant right?
If you're expecting a war film you'll be disappointed; if you're expecting a film with some war in it you'll be fine.

If you watch it like a Pixar film, however, prepare to be shocked (and possibly awed): It's amazing how animation has come on.

Try watching Top Gun like an Ang Lee film and it turns into a tale of existential, homoerotic loss only just hidden by macho posturing and conventional romantic pairings. 5/5

back to the butt talk....jakes' is rather nice in this film.....and in brokeback mountain...doesn't bother me that he's scenting other men while showing it off.....

day dream over....

Need to see Walk the Line - meant to be ace. Anyone seen it yet?
Also Hidden (Cache) is meant to be worth a watch.

Bought Platoon on DVD the other day - good solid Vietnam War flick. Defoe and Sheen in early good acting shocker.