Inigo: You are wonderful.
Man in Black: Thank you; I've worked hard to become so.
Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am.
MiB: Then why are you smiling?
Inigo: Because I know something you don't know.
MiB: And what is that?
Inigo: I... am not left-handed.

Ah happy days - there's a special ed out at last.

You've got to admit it Jon; with his masterful lalala argument Gov has completly nixed us on this one.

lalala is but an accent on the sweet smell of victory!

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Not a classic Kevin Smith; no Jay & Silent Bob but plenty of sex jokes and stunning women willing to shag average men. Unfortunately I don't really like Seth Rogan and his mumbly delivery as it's not well-suited to the verbose style of a Smith script, I did however enjoy the film almost the whole way; Smith loses control briefly near the end, reverting to almost fatal levels of saccharine, before a full-frontal Jason Mewes (as Lester The Molester Cockenschaft - I kid you not) saves us all by explaining a 'Dutch Rudder'. The presence of a surprisingly suave and gravelly Justin Long is an added bonus.

One huge gross-out laugh near the end and enough chuckles throughout to entertain a View Askew fan. 3/5

PS It's worth hanging around for the end of the first credit song too.

I've been a slag for the Dubai Film Fest. Films so far...

The story of Mr Sorry
Korean animation with about four writers on the project where an everyday ear cleaner gets shrunk and is put on TV as a symbolic spider whose life the entire nation votes on. The story is about the cleaner as he discovers he can look into people's dark secrets once he's inside their ears. Fabulous psychedelic paisley, and water colour-filled graphics reminiscent of 70s cartoons, this film is a fun ride through an odd story. Check it one time. 3.5/5

Idiots and Angels
Another genius offering from the MTV famous maverick who brought us '25 reasons to stop smoking' and other looney hand drawn cartoons punching the kebabs out of each other, Idiots and Angels is spectacular if only for the 25,000 drawings done by hand and the meagre $150,000 budget. It's worth watching, albeit long and perhaps with a doobie or two! Met the guy afterwards - he has certainly taken some drugs.4/5

Sita Sings the Blues
One of the best films I've seen so far with Nina Paley (cartoon strip genius) putting together this contemporary and multi-stylied animation on one of the oldest myths in Hinduism there is. But wait, there's singing, dancing, loads of laughs and in fact a lot of songs by Annette Hanshaw (20s-30s swing, American-jazz big band crooner) which is simply the cherry on the icing of this marvellous fun-film. This should certainly hit broadway in the next few years if someone has sense.4.5/5

Gomorrah
Gritty, real-life and starkly scary movie about the Comorra of Neapolitan mafia fame who control everything from waste disposal, fake fashion, drugs and other things in um...Naples. Long, detailed and seemingly more relevant to the kazillions of super smartly dressed Italians in the audience, stock up on popcorn and coke (hardyy har) for this one. Some great insights and jarring revelations, though the storytelling is headache-inducing. One for the diligent cinema-tells-the-real-story-so-closely fans out there. 3.5/5

Two more to come. Check back soon film fans.

Twilight

If you're not up with the femi-nomenom that is Twiglet then you haven't been following Jennie's advice on the books strand. The quartet of novels follow a drippy teen called Bella who spends a lot of time mooning over handsome and alluring vegetarian vampire Edward. Edward spends a lot of time protecting the clumsy Bella from herself and other supernatural beings and agonising over existential issues. They both spend much time not having sex with each other (except in the last book when they marry and then have lots of it). As a summary this is a little cruel; the books are well-written and imaginative and seem to have struck a chord with teenage girls the world over. So much so in fact that the male members of the cast (mainly the heavily eyebrowed and highly teased haired Robert Pattinson (Cedric Diggory in the HP movies)) can go nowhere unaccompanied by girlie screams; a particular form of tinnitus usually reserved for members of The Beatles and boy-bands.
The film follows the book pretty closely and while it is rattling through the first half 'new school, interesting boy, seems a bit weird but he's hot I want to get to know him' phase it's pretty enjoyable. Kirsten Stewart's Bella is admirably normal and is a bit less drippy than the book's but it's really all about Edward: He and his family are all pale and interesting, the camera lingering on slow-mo shots of his sulky face before remembering it has a story to tell. Once the vamp's out of the bag however, it slows a little: The jumping around, running up trees, lying admiring each other whilst not having sex bits aren't really up to much and, once an interesting baseball game is done, the film settles in to what feels a bit like a tacked-on climax. It's not, it was in the book, but what there felt edgy and dangerous whilst in Bella's head, all looks a little tame on the big screen.
Having said all that it must be said that it's very pretty; the Town of Forks is all overcast moody greys and purples surrounded by vivid green, moss-laden forests. I have no doubt that all this was lost on almost the entire audience of teenage girls and their sexually ambiguous male friends (I wasn't quite the oldest there; there were at least two mothers) but the atmosphere created was perfect for the emo-vamp, teenage angst story.
In short, if you know a teenaged girl you could do worse than taking her to see it; she'll enjoy every moment and you'll have a surprisingly good time. That really sounds like I'm encouraging the grooming of teenagers through film. I'm not; I'm just saying if you have a teenaged relative...or as in my case a girlfriend...oh never mind.
3.5/5

Mike - you are my hero. Not for watching this film per se, but for your description of it. If only you had bushier eyebrows...

I watched Planet Terror and Death Proof over two nights. I cannot tell you how much I loved Planet Terror - supremely 70s cinematic and from script, setting, pus, flesh and hot panted heroines, this is as 70s drive-in cinema as it's likely to get outside the 70s. I was like super-mega impressed. Funny, cheesy and brilliantly shot. 4/5

Death Proof. I want 2 hours of my life back. The only reason I watched the film till the end was to see those four annoying (um ok the cheerleader chick gets a pass and so does Rosario Dawson, but the ANNOYING Kiwi and that foul-mouthed coloured lady...GOD!) chicks have their heads shaved by four inches of spinning rubber. Avoid at all costs. Tarantino should issue a public apology for this one.

Lars and the Real Girl
Strange, sweet and slightly disturbing, this film doesn't hit the spot in terms of convincing me that an entire town goes along with a guy and his sickness to make real his Anjelina-esque love doll um real. Endearing and odd and perhaps misguided in terms of directorial style - it's not fantasy, or drama or kooky-indie enough to firmly sit in any one genre, and so is just kooky and odd. Aside from Ryan Gosling's brilliant portrayal of an introverted, emotionally stunted and shy guy, there's not much else here. 3/5 In the end, it does become a huge ad for stuff like this - Doll from the film website

Always nice to meet a fan Gov - I keep my eyebrows trimmed especially; I have trouble with ringing in my ears as it is.

Lars and the Real Girl is on my list of things to watch so I guess we'll see if we agree.

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time

This is a Manga version of a tale told many times in Japan apparently; all stemming from a sci-fi (ish) novel of the same title. This is the first time it has made its way Westwards however and, despite being a sort-of sequel to the original tale, the story stands on its own merits. The girl in question is a schoolgirl, fond of playing baseball with her two best friends (both male) and wearing a very short skirt to school. She gains the ability to jump through time accidentally and starts to use it for frivolous things like enjoying the same Kareoke hour 10 times in a row and improving her test scores. Eventually it all catches up with her and she learns some life lessons and stuff.
This film is a tiny bit like Groundhog Day - despite the fact that she's not tied to any date in particular, at the end Makoto ends up at the end of the day she started at the beginning of the film, and, despite the fact its only 90mins long, it seems to go on for ever. The story could be done in half the time without too much trouble, leaving plenty of time for a few flying, giant robots and some fisticuffs. This however would probably be a shame: instead of flash-bang action we get a thoughtful, beautifully animated character study of a girl clinging to her friendships as her friends' thoughts turn from baseball towards contact sports. Yes it takes an age to get anywhere but when you are gifted a view of Japan so pretty why rush? You'll be left with a serene and gently positive feeling of summer...and possibly the desire to watch something blow up.

3.5/5 - Take off 2 stars if your favourite film is Con Air - overblown this is not.

Australia

Your enjoyment of this film could well depend on how you approach it: the publicity will have that it's a sweeping epic like what they used to make; with the scope of landscapes of Laurence of Arabia and the simmering sexual tension of The African Queen. If you are paying attention however, you may notice the words 'Directed by Baz Luhrman' somewhere in the mix. His films up until now have been stagy, over-the-top affairs with stylised visuals and a comedic edge and, despite the setting, Australia has many elements that are much the same: The first half hour makes it clear that this all is not as was advertised; Australia is a comedy: Nicole Kindling (stick-thin and wooden) tries on her best 'buttoned-up English Lady receiving a good dose of down-to-earth Oz' but mainly achieves Harry Potter-level huffiness. Huge Action meanwhile does his best Dick Van Dyke impression, with an accent so cliched his character might as well be called Bruce "Flamin' Drongo" Waltzing-Matilda. As it is he's lumbered with the moniker 'The Drover' (obviously they follow the Welsh method of naming down under), and is shot in permanent sweat-o-vision. Things become no better with the introduction of David Wenham's character - a man so villainous he might as well have huge moustache to twirl. As it is he limits himself to attaching live flies to fishing lines and finishing each thought with a nasal "nnnnnyeah". The rest of the cast join in with gusto without quite achieving the pantomime heights of the leads but providing admirable support none-the-less.

The plot (such as it is) concerns the attempts of Kindling's Lady and Action's Drover to drive cattle from her ranch to Darwin in order to win an army contract and break the monopoly of the local cattle baron. On the way the camera pauses to take in the arid beauty of Australia' drier parts and also some jarring CG backdrops and soundstages; quite why they felt the need for CG after filming so much on location is beyond me. There is no denying, however, that what was shot was shot beautifully; Baz can be proud of a job well half-done; a bit more time in the editing suite and he'd have a decent movie. As it is the first 100 mins is perfectly acceptable; there comes a point however when all journeys are over, all obstacles overcome and thoughts turn to making sure you have your coat. At this point you might well be unnerved to discover another half hour of film at the end of which all is almost exactly as 'twas 30 minutes ago. Except for a distinct lack of Darwin (the town not the naturalist).

Anyway go see most of Australia (no, not all of it), it's alright. 3/5

Next up: Slumdog Squarepants

Which brings me nicely to my next, short review...

Slumdog Millionaire
Slum-dwelling, honest-to-goodness cockney fella called Jamal wins Who Wants to be a Millionaire by gaining a degree at the School of Hard Knocks and gets his behind kicked and electrocuted for doing so.

In terms of how beautifully Boyle captures slum scenes, the pulse and hubbub of urban India and how he tells a brilliant Indian Oliver Twist story, I loved this film. It keeps you guessing all through while giving you a gritty insight into begging, greed and power in the call centre country. Keeping the tension between the questions and the trajectory of Jamal's life aint easy, but Boyle does it with aplomb.

What won me over was Dev Patel's ridiculously gormless expression throughout the film and the superb acting on behalf of the younger kids in the story. Although Patel's cockney accent is a tad disconcerting, this film works for me as a grown up Willy Wonka story gone badly wrong. The eye candy is delish too (well as far as bright-eyed and fresh faced Bolly belles can get)!

Forget the hype for this one.

4/5

I really do try to keep it brief Gov...never do seem to succeed though.

No no - I wasn't alluding to your length, as it were. I was only suggesting mine would be short because I remember quite little of the film. I watched it outdoors, from under a gazebo, with the pregnant wife and in the thunder and rain of a dark Dubai. Rather ambient! Want to see it again though.

Keep em long - I love reading them. I sent your Australia review to an assistant editor at the Mint WSJ and she loved it. Have you thought of freelancing for mags, papers, etc.?

Govi*

Cashback

Please don't watch this film. Unless of course you're looking for the baked bean and cheese toast philosophy of a very boring art student called Ben who can't seem to get over a break up and ends up working the night shift at Sainsbury's as a result, freezing time and musing drolly about his boring life and boring predicament.

Alright - the fact that there was 'stripping for cash' mentioned somewhere in the film description is not a strong motive to watch this film - it is a con. There's about a minute of it in total and all the rest of the nudity occurs when Ben freezes time and undresses an unusually fit incidence of female shoppers at his local supermarket, only to sketch them. The paralysis of said birds is unnerving if you're a pervert and gay if you're arty - two demographics saved as a result of this critique.

All the similies in this film annoyingly revolve around time standing still. There's far too much first year student gone wiffly on snake bite type philosophising and a bevy of corny stereotypes borrowed from every other successful Brit-Indie film to make you titter in between. There's some cool but overdone camera work showing our boring protagonist moving through suspended animation, which suggests that this technicality might have been the sole reason for making the film - the story was probably found scrawled on a toilet seat in poo.

All in all, this film smacks too much of a best friend of a Sainsbury's nephew having a Pimm's-fuelled idea for a boring and arty film that is just oh-so-boring. If you watch this, you really have let yourself down. Like I did. Now I'm going to try and shower my guilt away...unsuccessfully.

0.05/5
I'm so ashamed.

I'm confused by King's mention of Huge Action's poor accent in Australia. Isn't he Australian? You'd have thought that would mean he could pull off the accent without too much trouble. I mean if I were an actor I'd like to think that no matter how bad I was I would at least be comfortable in the knowledge that I could do a convincing South-East England accent.

Wow. Gosh, you make me feel all warm and squibbly Gov...and the things you say are nice too. I've not given any real thought to freelancing; it all seems far too posh for the likes of me but perhaps I could give it a swing if I felt particularly brave.



Well yes I too was confused by this: it really is as if Danny Dyer popped up in a West-End gangster film talking like a chimney sweep born in LA, raised by Don Cheadle and Audrey Hepburn (10 points if you can name the films), and who happens to be a couple of swilling walnuts round his copious gob: "I'd nah that silly-ou-ette anywhere; Reggie Kray as I live an breave!"

In Huge Action's case it manifests as the most flamin' drongo of voices. Perhaps he's attempting a Northern accent and not quite getting there - he's from Sydney so it's probably like you attempting a Barnsley accent or summat. I'll try and find a clip to upload when I get home...

[attachmentid=344]

Hope that works...

Mary Poppins, Oceans 11, 12 & 13, and My Fair Lady. Bosh.

Dead serious mate. You should email a bunch of websites and magazines with your samples, and you'd be surprised how many of them would take you on. And it's not posh - you really do have to sell yourself...and short for the most part. What have you got to lose? You're ridiculously gifted (Talibard and Hennie will attest this). Once you get published online or in print, you use that as currency for the next job. Before you know it, you're on the BBC doing Johnathan Ross' job. Go ooooon.

I think Badgerfest is waiting to be made into a Monty Pythonesque series of cinematic blockbusters meself (and I've been saying this since those dungeon days at Haileybury). We just need to find an agent, and some money. Hmmm - maybe in 2010.

I'm declaring myself as King's agent. Whatever he makes I'll take 10%.
And in return for that I won't delete everything he's ever written on badgerfest. ;op

C'mon King you could be the next Kermode.

The Other Boleyn Girl

The most stunning thing about this movie is that some moron gave away a recession-initiating ton of money to make a film where the largest expense were the costumes and the sets. OBG is a painful visualisation of some of the worst scriptwriting at the mouths of actors hamming it up and panto-ing it to Big School type production level. And did I mention the whole thing plays out like bullet points from the script at warp speed. Example...

King demands sex - King is shown getting sex. Fade to black. (Henry VIII - not Mike, though some may disagree)

King splits from church - King says he has split from Rome - rapes Natalie Portman. Fade to black.

King goes on hunt, comes back, gets a stiffy for Scarlett Johansen. All done in one minute.

Film ends - Govind removes DVD and flings it as far as possible off balcony. Sleeping cat is beheaded. Ok only the first part is true.

Story goes something like this.

King is obsessed with his nob and where he can put it. Everyone in England from Henry's court to ambitious country bumpkins know about and concern themselves only with King's nob and where he puts it. King sends Anne to France and makes Mary his slag, then locks up Mary in a room and makes Anne his slag. Then sends her to jail and brings Mary back from the country where he sent her in the first place after he was tired of her slagishness. Anne almost shags her brother, he gets beheaded, she gets beheaded - King looks angry and snorts and bellows and threatens to behead favourite slag, Mary. Film ends. Enter catatonic state of weeping and drooling and having nightmarish sleep.

No scene lasts longer than 2 minutes. Everything fades to black. Cleavage. Rutting bodies, births, miscarriages and beautiful vistas. Great costumes. Lines written by a robot monkey called E Vigo Gunther of Stratford-upon-Vladivostock.

If you'd like to watch similar films of immense shite proportions where it all looks good but the acting is awful and lines are delivered like marrows are growing where they shouldn't be, watch Love in the Time of Cholera.

End rant.

Dan In Real Life

Pure magic. Grown up family dark comedy in the realms just below Tenenbaums and above 40 year old virgin about a single parent with three girls and the worst possible luck. Endearing, comic, a tad cheesy, but superbly executed, Dan in Real Life is one of my favourite films of the moment. Echoing moments of Meet the Parents, but for a more mature and evil audience, Steve Carrel for a change isn't so much Steve Carrell as he always is and is a little more believable (though his typecastedness is getting a bit much). Definitely worth a look see. Also, Emily Blunt is kind of wasted but reminds me to watch her in Charlie Wilson's war just for her singing walk down the stairs. Mmmm... 4/5

I can't help wondering what a film would look like if it were Kingol doing all this and not Henry VIII. Worth watching I imagine.

That was one of the most surreal feelings ever initiated by a film review...

I went in to have a knee arthroscopy the day after seeing this so I didn't get round to reviewing it and now my memories are skewed by awards success. Still here goes:

Slumdog Squarepants

The story, as Gov has said, revolves around the amazing success of 'slumdog' Jamal on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', a programme that offers such comparative riches in India they've had to make it really, really hard. As the film progresses we are treated to flashbacks of his life that go some way to explaining how he is managing it and also (more importantly it turns out) why.

The first thing to say is that the film is shot beautifully; the cinematographer deserves his BAFTA; the slums of Bombay are drenched in a dusty, scorching sunlight and flecked liberally with colour, making almost everything sweatily beautiful. The second thing to note is the performances of the kids; there are three versions of the main protagonists and, while they all do a fine job, the youngest and middle versions are fantastic; Dev Patel is perfectly fine but it seems that he has little to do but act bewildered in a kind of "I thought I was signing on for another series of Skins" kind of way and then whip out his dancing skills for the end credits (which were worth a watch I thought). The rest of the film is very solidly put together and eminently watchable.

So. Is it all that? Well...maybe. It put me in mind of City of God, except more flashbacky and less Portuguese; it's certainly not a rom-com as the poster may suggest (as Simon Mayo says "There's an awful lot of Slumdog before you get to the Millionaire"). It's very technically accomplished: script's good, cinematography, performances, direction, soundtrack, all good, and I enjoyed watching it. And yet...there's a niggling feeling that I should have enjoyed it more than I did. Perhaps it's all the awards it's winning but in the end I'm glad I saw it, I'm glad I saw it in the cinema, I'm just not sure I'd be glad to see it again.
4/5 I think...

I agree with that review wholeheartedly. I do also wonder how many films since the Matrix series and LOTR I'd like to watch again and they are few and far between. Perhaps we should add a rating parameter of whether we'd watch said film again...again.

The Rocker
Rainn Wilson is the beleaguered drummer in cock-swaggering glam rock band Vesuvius circa 1980s just before they get signed by a major record label and Wilson is thrown out to make way for the new boss' nephew. Wilson goes on to become a complete loser while the band achieves stellar Milli Vanilli type fame.

Cue loads of tired jokes, a bit of Jack Black-style rock-hamming on Wilson's part, much sweat, a massive dollop of Hollywood-America families and an overall pale shade of something that reminds us a bit of a fading, shadowy version of Detroit Rock City. Throw in a teen band with Wilson's nephew in it and you've suddenly got the new age version of Hansen, but with a lead singer who's more Busted and Simple Plan than mop-haired Aussie fraggle.

Not worth watching really. Some funny moments but they're thin on the ground. Dude from Arrested Development was totally wasted on this film. Would I watch it again? Maybe with Zubin when he's 6 or 7.

2.5/5

WATCHMEN

I haven't read the comic book hailed as 'one of the greatest comic books ever written' and neither had I any expectations of this film, after seeing some of the cockamamie 70s/80s style get-ups these clowns were wearing in the pre-release teaser photos. But oh my God...after watching this movie, I have to go so far as to say that Watchmen is a full blooded movie event, much akin to some of the greatest Super hero-sci fi movies that came before it (Superman in the 80s and Star Wars). As a cinematic experience, this is one of the best I've had in a long, long time.

But why did I like it? Because the film doesn't expect you to take a massive leap of faith in putting yourself in the teenager's shoes of believing in superheroes and their panto style lives. We're past that now - we're dealing with nuclear war and a lot more gritty realities than in any of comic-filmdom's prior outings.

Essentially, Watchmen has been subject to pre-production hell - two other directors have tried before to deal with the subject matter - and failed. Enter Zack Snyder who grew up in the era of Bay of Pigs and other flashpoints of the Cold War, plus having read all the DC and Marvel comics blossom through their goofy latex and true-blue American heroics. And that's just what this film isn't - it wees on 300 and leaves all the other superhero films in the kiddy corner, simply because Snyder's source material is that of the dark, brooding and cynical Alan Moore whose take on life is just that bit more Sin City, Tarantino and Godfather than it is Lois Lane and upside down arachnid kisses.

Watchmen holds no punches. As far as a story goes about ageing superheros, it brings out the stupidity and clumsiness of the spandex-clad running around Manhattan in a refreshing and grown up way - so much so that when you finally do see these guys in some of the action sequences, you wonder why there's all this ham playacting all of a sudden and cringe quietly in your seat. Still, my hair stood on end - all axminster's worth of it. And it's violent, gritty, bloody and abusive. Superman, Batman or Wolverine have yet to go here.

Set against the backdrop of a world about to go to war through the 80s and with a mind-rattling number of music numbers from the likes of Dylan, Simon and Garfunkel, Nat King Cole and even Herr Mozart - this film has all the makings of a great advent in the super hero movie world. It ties up all the ugliness of historical American agression with a contradictory world of true blue believers and melds the sci-fi madness of 80s comics in a jaw cracking and bloodrush series of sublime vignettes, gory fights and breathtaking CGI. As a precursor to a lot of the manga comic philosophy out there and a lot of the darkness we see in superhero films today, this truly is the grandaddy of them all - it clearly covered this ground first. When 300, Sin City and X Men are long forgotten, Watchmen will stand out as the grown-up's superhero film. And it stands out in its own league. Despite what Alan Moore says about 'spitting venom all over this film' I wonder whether he'd actually like this one.

Bar some of the costumes and a cringeworthy-sliver of the meanie summing up the entire plot at the end a-la-Bond style (with a not so effective last chance at redemption line that goes 'I'm not a comic book villain. Did you really think I would reveal my entire scheme to you if I knew you had any chance of affecting the outcome?', Watchmen blew me away.

But now that I've hyped it up so much, you'll hate it. It's over 2 hours and Jyoti thought Sin City was better. *sigh*

But just fucking wait till you see one scene play out to 'All Along the Watchtower' baby. Axminster electricity!

4.5/5

Govi

Bastard. I wanted to review this first.

I'll do one later. Suffice to say it was great and pretty damn true to the source material.

It freaked Jess out though. I guess there's just something about actually seeing someone's arms being cut off with a circular saw that doesn't appeal to the female psyche...

Saw it tonight myself - bloody brilliant. Wholesome goodness that nourishes the soul....

...I liked the bit where that guy gets boiling oil thrown over his head.

Gotta read the comics next.

Dan

we saw it too...

only criticism would be that the awesome fight scene at the start had some really nice 'fight night round 3' style super slow mo face punching and arm breaking.

i was hoping there would be more of that

theres something pretty surreal about the sex scene with two superheroes in a big owl head playing out to the song hallelujah ... did anyone else notice she left her knee high boots on???

very bizarre

Would you believe that we were not treated to the sex scene thanks to the wonders of Islamic censorship here in the UAE. Sigh. I shall just have to buy the DVD.

And knee high boots are always a good thing. Owl mask - not so good.

King - sorry mate - it was so tempting. I loved the ultra violence - I took my 5 month pregnant wife to it and didnt realise it would be so violent. I felt a little bad after. But I loved it more

Govi*

Yes I wasn't quite aware that people weren't going to explode into blue scraps but into red goop leaving a skeletal arm hanging from the ceiling...

I did note the boots; they and the soundtrack were added by the director. Sex in a flying owl head called Archimedes was in the book though, so it didn't worry me overmuch.

The sex scene was gratuitously long...but that's not a complaint! I didn't notice the boots - I don't think my eyes made it that far down.

Woz - good criticism there - the sudden slow mo effect is a brilliant one - done best in some of the 300 scenes. I still think 300's hand-to-hand fighting is the most exhilarating I've ever seen. I think the prison break-in scene (where they fight a corridor of convicts) was an attempt to reproduce the 300 feel - was still fun but didn't quite manage the same level of awsomness.

None of the violence in this can match any of the fights scenes in 300. The story and acting on the other hand, is miles better.

The child murderer getting it is one of my faves.

The International

Yet another waste of Clive Owen. This has the makings of a good thriller, but isn't one. The ending is particularly limp. Clive Owen is my favourite big screen actor bar none. I'm still gutted he's not Bond. Daniel Craig is good, but Owen is in a different league in my opinion. The problem is that most of the films he is in are not worthy of him. The only relatively recent film of a quality that matched his talents was Children Of Men. Shoot 'Em Up was ridiculous and managed to waste a quite amazing cast on a sub-Transporter action fest.

As for The International, it's not really worth the effort.

Eagle Eye

If you crossed Enemy Of The State with I, Robot, this is the film you would get. And I mean exactly the film that you would get.

That's all that needs to be said really. If you liked those the you'll probably like this. I did, and I did.

Clive Owen's just too rough around the edges for Bond aint he? *sigh* I reckon if they made him a baddie in the next Bourne film - he'd be sensational.

Smart People

Arty farty indie movie about a teacher (a bearded and paunched Dennis Quaid who's trying to get his book published, widower) with a sarcastic daughter (Juno) and step brother (Sandman from Spiderman 3) all living together in their little angsty and ironic little suburban world. Enter Sarah Jessica Parker (the nose and wart from Sex and the City) as a doctor who kind of hooks up with DQ. Film shows that DQ is out of touch with his dating side and is self obsessed, that Haden Church is the cool solution to getting everyone to solve their shit cos he's edgy, unemployed, smokes pot and has a pornstar tache, and that his niece has the hots for him (Juno is kind of wasted in this film). At the end of the day if you want to watch a movie about parenting problems, mid-life crises or interesting family set ups watch The Royal Tenenbaums, Dan in Real Life or Sideways to really enjoy a film. This is poo and really doesnt go anywhere or have any moments. 2/5

The Savages
Incredibly dark, incredibly sibling rivalry all grown up and a perfectly neurotic, almost written-for-stage production of brother and sister duo played by Seymour Hoffman and Laura Linney who are both 'well-read' and 'intellectual' and are facing their own mid-life crises. I love these two as actors and although the subject matter revolves around the downbeat subject of putting their demented dad in an old people's home, the messages are touching, real and very endearing. One of the more intelligent and dramatic films I've seen in a long time, this film does have a happy ending and can be recommended to those wanting to sit down to something more mature for a change.
4/5

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

This film bored me. It was oh so slow and then everyone started getting killed. Hmm. I don't know why people raved about it? Something about directorial style. Preferred Dog Day Afternoon.
2.5/5

It would indeed be sensational. Especially considering the fact that he was a baddie in the first Bourne film and Bourne killed him.

Now I don't even remember that. The first one was like the first Batman film or teenage sex - lots of action, lots of fumbling, but all in the dark!

That's outrageous that I don't remember that. How good is my absent minded mental casting ability?

They have a showdown in a field, which Bourne wins using a shotgun. As Owen's character dies he says the words that Bourne repeats at the close of the third film: 'Look what they make you give'.

I've watched these films way too many times.

I'm not sure that's possible Jon.

And I wouldn't worry too much Gov: Chris Cooper is the ultimate bad guy; Clive Owen plays one of the other BlackBriar sleeper agents. He takes out the African leader who was Bourne's last target and is finally sent after Bourne. It's a pretty low-key part though. Brilliant, and perfectly in keeping, but low-key.

Are you a fan of Croupier then?

Have yet to catch croupier! Will catch the Bourne films again - they were pretty damn good.

Gran Torino

Clint Eastwood is a Korean War veteran who growls a lot at the Koreans, his family and anything else that's likely to annoy him in his neighbourhood (which is likely to be uneven hedgerows too). Clint goes to town, gun toting and threatening people who cross the line in a sort of senile vigilante way. While his early tirades and incredible polemics are brilliant, he doesn't quite convince me with all his gook-bashing and ultimate conciliation with his favourite 'zipperheads'. The conclusion of the film is predictable, however you are left with a spooky sense of becoming attached to the old coot and having the end song reel through your head till the morning after (an Eastwood and Cullum collaboration). It's a sweet film, with the occasional cue to grimace from hearing such a potty mouthed Eastwood, and it's another feather in the ageing gun-toter's cap. Catch it if it's on cable on a sleepy Sunday afternoon.
3.5/5

Are you as excited about Crank 2 as it appears than Jon or do you just like the tag line?

I'm excited. The first one was genius.

I concur. One of the best, dumb films around.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Aside from the annoying yankee narrator, this film about two girls who go on a trip to Barcelona together to discover themselves and encounter a wild painter and his even wilder and rather feisty and suicidal ex-wife, Penelope Cruz, is one of the most delightful, quirky and entertaiing films to come from the neurotic Woody Allen in years. As a Spanish-lusty account of a painter and his romantic lifestyle colliding with the hearts and minds of three beautiful women, this is one of my favourite films of the year.
4/5

Chaos Theory
I like Ryan Reynolds. He makes me laugh. But his last two outings have left a little to be desired - okay a lot. In this one, the premise is that Reynolds is a fastidious follower of, and lecturer on time efficiency and goal setting and due to a misunderstanding of comedic and cingeworhty proportions, is thrown out of the house by his wife (the annoying and accent-wobbly Emily Mortimer). Cue excuse to go round the bend and become 'craizee' and 'rebellious'. This part of the film could have been a lot funnier and ends up like a bookshelf from Argos - creaky and flimsy. The end is lots of cheese and soppyness and leaves you wondering why you persevere with films of this category.

2.5/5

Just started watching Garth Marneghi again. My God this is genius.

The Young Victoria


An attempt to show the young, sexy side of the octogenarian Queen of England with plenty of crinoline, corset, bonnet and boning. Starring Emily Blunt, Paul Bettany and a scary Orlando Bloom-a-like Rupert Friend this is an effective enough, slightly fictionalised telling of Queen Victoria's life in the years surrounding her succession to the throne from the pen of Julian Fellowes (of Gosford Park fame). Everyone plays their part - Emily Blunt carries the film efficiently as an inexperienced but intelligent and strong-willed young woman, Paul Bettany swaggers as the dashing, manipulative Prime Minister and Rupert Friend is left with not much to do but practice his German accent and look like Orlando Bloom, but does that admirably. Ultimately though the screenplay falls a touch short; the film lingers in odd places and rushes towards an ending that it doesn't quite achieve - this being a tale of Young Victoria and not a full biopic. However, as a tale with a strong female lead who succeeds mainly through her own will it works admirably, and the costumes are excellent (if you're interested). Apart from the sleeves on one of the child's dresses apparently...3/5

PS Did I say that Rupert Friend Looks Like Orlando Bloom? He does you know.


The Boat that Rocked

The new film from Richard Curtis charts the fate of a loose analogue of Radio Caroline and all who broadcast on board through the eyes of a new addition to the crew.

If you know anything about the film, seen the trailer or any review, you will pretty much have an exact idea of how the plot (such as it is) will go: We are introduced to the Radio Rock broadcasters as rock 'n roll gods; impossibly sexy to any female, even when as tubby as Nick Frost. They then proceed to get up to various shenanigans to a selection of Curtis's favourite tunes (a good thing; the man has some taste) including much dancing. The entire cast look like they're having a blast; Phillip Seymour Hoffman in particular seems to relish a role in which he can cut loose and have fun, Nick Frost is the best he's been in a film without Simon Pegg and the rest of the cast fill out their parts with obvious enjoyment. It's all a lot of fun to some good tunes but there's little in the way of a coherent narrative; Kenneth Brannagh's scenes as the politician attempting to outlaw the pirates seem shoe-horned in, in order to facilitate an ending to the tale (and a truly dreadful running joke*). Strangely though, it's this ending that saves the film from being merely a fun-but-forgettable amalgamation of sitcom skits and dodgy man-dancing: In the last 20 minutes Curtis injects tension, narrative, characterisation and an artistic flourish as the tale turns into Titanic with vinyl...and thankfully without Leo and Kate.

The Boat that Rocked is, in the end, a thoroughly enjoyable, thoroughly care-free, rose-tinted slice of rock and roll fun. It won't trouble the brain overly but it does provide enough smiles and frolics to pass the time amiably. If you're looking for some easy-on-the-brain entertainment it's almost perfect. 4/5 On the Curtis scale. 2/5 (1 for the acting, 1 for the jokes, -1 for the civil servant's name* and 1 for the final 20 mins) on the Wilder scale (Billy not Gene). So that's 3/5 I think.


*Just to clarify: Remember Blackadder Goes Forth's Darling? How he winced every time Melchet called his name? Just how perfectly, wonderfully clever and funny it was? Try renaming him Twatt and see how the audiences' hearts sink.

Have you written off to any magazines (print or online) King? Stop slacking with that Barry Norman replacement plan!

Scrooged
An oldie and certainly a goldie, this was an awesome trip down memory lane. 80s spectacular film about our good ol Bill Murray when he had a ridiculous curly mullet and shot one liners that made him one of the best comedians then and certainly one of the driest today. He's a top TV station exec with crazy world domination ambition. He eats people for breakfast and doesn't care for the personal safety of gerbils (he's that mean). He is visited by the three ghosts to remind him of his mortality and evil doing through a series of hilarious situations and Tim Burton-esque vignettes, the way they just don't make 'em any more. From the vintage and macabre 80s sets and gratuitous violence and obvious set ups, not to mention introducing the one craizee character (trigger happy Animal from Police Academy sans beard and mullet), Scrooged is a genius film.
3.5/5

Mall Rats
I cannot believe I watched this film for the first time only yesterday. I sit with my head bowed to the greatness of Kevin Smith. I am a moron.
4/5

The Last Word
Arty/odd film complete with indie feel, uncomfortable silences, middle distance staring and odd and abrupt scene-script endings, The Last Word is the story of a writer who composes the last words of people who end up committing suicide. A busty and wild Winona Ryder plays the love interest in the way only Ryder can (as her impish, navel-gazing self) but a little more grown up, cynical and um horny. While she's great on the eyes, the show is really stolen by Wes Bentley (of American Beauty plastic bag obssessing fame) and Ray Romano who thankfully plays a depressed phone hold music composer wishing to end it all. There are some great nuggets of wisdom in this movie (especially from Romano about life and bottom sex) and although the film weaves through a path of gloom, coffee cup profundity and the oddness of some people's lives, it leads to a very satisfying and unexpected ending. I loved this film. Definitely one for those who enjoy shining a little light on those creative oddball types with strange lives and stranger life choices. Lovely.
3.5/5

surely scrooged deserves more than 3.5

as for mallrats - tell me you've seen the rest of the kevin smith set

i still crack up when i quote clerks lines to myself

I concur

I still remember watching Clerks2 with Rosie and King and laughing. A lot.

And definitely with you both on Scrooged, Ace. 4/5 at least.

On a different note I watched the workprint of Xmen Origins today, and it was much as I expected. I love watching workprints though, it interesting to see just how much is done digitally, you kind of let your mind gloss over it most of the time, take the screenshot:

[attachmentid=358]

This is a scene with Deadpool at the end, with him blasting Wolverine with Cyclop's eye thing and Sabretooth running around the outside. Anyway, I'd recommend the workprint - all gambit's scenes are cgi complete and that was what I was interested in mostly. He is very cool.

Yes I have seen the rest of the Kevin Smith set - I watched Clerks for the first time in 1995 in a Canadian School common room...with a bunch of Canadians. It had a totally different reference back then. When everyone around you talks, looks and emotes the same way, it's kind of like watching CCTV footage of the grocery store next door. Very cool.

I have not seen Jay and Silent Bob strike back (if that's a film - I seem to have heard of it though).

4 I reserve for films of exceptional quality that make a mark on my personal history of movies. I give it out grudgingly like Dastardly does medals to Muttley. I was tempted to give it a 4 but thought it too generous. My gayness astounds me too.

Pineapple Express
Stupid stoner film for stoners. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I'm glad everything was not as predictable as American Pie comedies have come to be.
2.8/5

if you've seen all the other Jay and Bob films, then you HAVE to see jay and bob strike back...

i suggest lining them all up as a marathon... theres a lot of subtle references (and some not so subtle ones)

Blimey; you must reserve 5s for religious experiences...

To Kill a Mockingbird

Anyone with a passing knowledge of both film and literature knows that To Kill a Mockingbird is a classic - in both mediums. Never-the-less I suspect that while most of us have read the book, relatively few have yet bothered looking out the 1962 Gegory Peck- starring film. If this is the case you should do so at the first opportunity. It's excellent. 4.5/5